I love the Anglican tradition in which I practice my Christianity. But I’m ashamed that there were no gay or lesbian church members present when our international leaders recently met to discuss their anxiety about gay unions and gay clergy. How can our church learn, reflect upon, or become open to change when we fail to listen to the actual experience of faithful gay and lesbian Christians?

For 40 sometimes intense years, I’ve been listening to that experience along with most of my Episcopal Church in this country. We’ve learned, in faith, that same-sex attraction, like opposite-sex attraction, is a God-given gift arising from a complex of biological and psychological factors. We’ve learned to be wary of simplistic positions based on text or tradition alone, or on wishful thinking.

Bashing everyone in sight with a few tired Biblical verses, originally uttered in vastly different contexts from ours, ignores a huge truth about the Bible: the text often speaks against itself. There are texts that support slavery and texts that move us beyond that horrible institution.

The important thing is to read the whole sweep of the Bible, not to stop with selected moments and isolated texts. As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The arc of history is long but it bends towards justice.” One day we’ll see a world of changed minds on this issue just as we have on slavery.

What I know about gay unions and gay clergy is that gay people find their covenants and vocational commitments and then ask their faith communities to bless and strengthen them. In spite of the willful misunderstanding they’ve suffered, and in spite of the way we judge them, they want what the church has. They want to subject their loves and ministries to the same demanding standards we’ve long called heterosexuals to uphold.

My faith has been fed and shaped by what is sadly missing in many churches that are so-so-certain of the truth they read. My faith has been built on listening. As the mother of a gay son told me:

“It took time for me to fully understand what my son revealed to me about himself. I found that the best way to learn is to listen. So I listened to my son, because I love him. I listened to other people who have same sex affection. I listened to other families. I listened to people in my church who have been studying the human reality of same sex affection for three decades. I listened carefully to the scriptures. I listened to Jesus. And I listened to my heart.”

Our church—your church, your neighborhood, office, community—are filled with families like hers and sons likes hers. When will we listen to them?