There ought to be an oath for parents and pastors like the oath doctors take, based on Hippocrates: “Make a habit of two things — to help, or at least to do no harm.” I’m a parent and pastor, and I should know.
Let me be blunt: Parents, get a life. I mean a spiritual life. Whether in a mixed marriage or not, mature people owe it to themselves first to wrestle with what they can and do believe. It’s sad how many people grow intellectually and emotionally but still carry a childish outlook on fundamental religious questions.
The story is told of the young man who went to a great spiritual teacher and with vehemence said, “I don’t believe in God.”
“Tell me about this God you don’t believe in,” the teacher said. When the young man had finished describing the petty, contradictory, vengeful God he had rejected, the teacher simply replied. “That God I don’t believe in either.”
One way to honor children and their inherent curiosity about meaning is to do your own work first. Purge the bad theology. Decide what you can trust in the fundamental sense. If you haven’t had real exposure to a faith tradition, there are lots of ways to begin.
In the meantime, above all else, do no harm. Be honest if you don’t know much about God. Don’t yield to the pressure of the season and say or do things you don’t mean.
If asked about God or the religious customs of the season, one strategy might be to say: "I don’t know. Let’s ask someone who does. Let’s read a book together."
Sometimes the people who can help are in your own family, or among your friends. In a mixed marriage, the real gift parents can give their children is for each parent to have sorted out what he or she can believe and will practice.
As for the contentious stuff we adults talk about—doctrinal disputes or the positive or negative roles of organized religion in society—that’s really not what children are asking about anyway. Save it for the blogs.
In the holiday season, there’s enough pressure of family togetherness, unresolved feelings, hurtful memories, and unreal expectations without adding spiritual immaturity and confusion to the mix. As a Christian, parent and priest, I hate what that pressure does to us. I want to celebrate Christmas in a way that not only does no harm but also gives the hope of peace to a weary world.
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