The first, of course, is to stop the harm. The hurtful actions must cease, the violence or destruction or exploitation must end, before forgiveness is appropriate.

The second is Acknowledgement. The person who has committed an act of harm must acknowledge that they’ve done so, and be willing to hear and listen to the effects of their actions.

The third is Repentance. The wrongdoer must regret the act and be willing to change. An apology is also in order—and a wise person once defined an apology as “something that actually makes the person you’ve hurt feel better.” An apology is not an excuse, a justification, a comparison to others who perhaps have done more odious things, or a new, veiled attack on the person you’ve harmed. An apology is not, “Why are you making such a big deal about this?” or “Here’s what you did to me” or “She hit me first!” It’s some variation of “I’m truly sorry, and I won’t do it again.”

The fourth is Making Amends—The wrongdoer must accept responsibility and do whatever he or she can to alleviate the harm, repair the damage, restore what has been taken or destroyed. If this requires the wrongdoer to make some sacrifices or suffer some losses, that’s part of taking responsibility.

Unless these four conditions have been met, forgiveness can be premature and become a form of collusion. Women are constantly being asked to forgive abusers. But unless the abuse is stopped, and the abuser acknowledges, repents, and makes amends for the harm he or she has done, calls for premature forgiveness are a form of victim-blaming that compound the damage.

When a person in a position of public trust commits a harmful act, that trust is shattered, and it is highly appropriate for the power and material benefits of that position to be withdrawn. When someone is abusing power, the most truly compassionate thing we can do is to take that power away from them. Forgiveness should mean only that there is some possibility for the person who has committed harm to earn anew that trust—with the understanding that it may be a long process, and it must be earned by real actions, not cheap words. Don Imus used a highly privileged postion—the bully pulpit of the public airwaves—for an unprovoked attack against a group of women based not on anything they had done, but solely on who they were, their gender and race. It’s right that he be removed from that position. Wolfowitz exploited a position of trust for the personal gain of himself and his girlfriend. Saying “I’m sorry” is not enough—he should be fired, at minimum. As for the Pope—hey, I’m a Pagan, and one of the great advantages of that condition is that the Pope is no responsibility of mine.

When the above conditions are met, forgiveness is the opening, the chance to regain trust, to contribute anew to the community. And for the victim, letting go of any hatred or desire for revenge can then be part of the healing process.