Of course, God means many different things to many people. What I couldn’t, didn’t, and don’t believe in is a God who is omnipotent and loving, a God to whom you pray, a God who looks out for each and every one of us and cares for us. Therefore, naturally, I don’t believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God. I believe he was a great teacher and changed the world though his message of love.

I’ve always thought it would be wonderful to believe in God. It would be so comforting to have faith that there was someone watching over me, someone to pray to. Actually, I’ve always felt it was somewhat narcissistic to pray for myself or the people I love in the face of such pain and terror and evil in the world. It makes no sense to me that God could simply decide that I deserve more happiness than anyone else. What about the mother in Darfur who was gang raped and forced to watch her baby being thrown into the fire, just to give one example. Does God say, “OK Sal, I’ll give you a pass and take it out on the (take your choice) Sudanese, Iraquis, Jews, Bosnians, North Koreans, Cambodians, Rwandans, etc.? Why should I and those I know be so blessed if God loves us all equally? Even if we all pray only for world peace, it doesn’t seem to be working either.

I’ve tried to pray twice. Once when I was in the hospital in Tokyo and my father was on the front lines in the Korean war and once when my son was near death in Children’s Hospital in Washington. Both times I felt ashamed. How could I pray for my father when there were all those other soldiers being killed and maimed? As I sat in the chapel at Children’s Hospital all I could think was how selfish it was of me to pray for Quinn when there were so many other children who were sick and dying. In any case, I didn’t know who or what to pray to.

Of course, like many believers and unbelievers, I have been appalled by how so much evil in the world has been and continues to be committed in the name of religion. Certainly evil has been committed by atheistic societies as well, but they have not been hypocritical enough to declare themselves acting in the name of God or Jesus Christ. I think one of the reasons that atheism is having a certain vogue is that people are reacting strongly to the extremism and fundamentalism of many different religions.

I have also, all of my life, been baffled by the notion that you cannot have values, ethics, or morals unless you are religious. I find it appalling how atheists have been reviled, unaccepted, and held in contempt. Isn’t the most important thing how you live your life?

I learned my ethics, morals, and values from my parents and have passed them on to my son. For me, it’s about the Golden Rule. Aside from the fact that it is the right way to live, there would be social chaos without ethics and morals. If religion gives people that basis for a strong sense of family and community, then so much the better -- but it is not necessary to believe to be a good person. It is also very hard for me to believe that a good, loving, just God would create me, love me, and then not reveal himself to me. (I’m using the masculine here for convenience) and then send me to hell for not believing.

I do not believe in sin, heaven, or hell. I don’t believe in a punishing God. I can’t imagine a good God being so sadistic as to ask Abraham to kill his son to prove how much he loved him. It is beyond belief for me that a loving, omnipotent God would create the world with sin and evil, then send his only son to be slaughtered in the most hideous way so that we would be forgiven our sins, which God created in the first place.

I don’t understand why immoral people will go to heaven if they say they have accepted Christ as their personal savior while the most saintly will not if they haven’t. Ted Haggard is going to heaven and the Dalai Lama is going to hell? Are we not all supposed to be God’s children?

So, what do I believe in and why did I decide to no longer be an atheist? For one thing, I began to realize that I was as condescending and in some cases as contemptuous of those who did believe in God as other were of me because I didn’t. Then I met Jon Meacham, my co-moderator of On Faith, a practicing Christian and one of the smartest, most decent people I have ever met. Over a couple of years and a series of conversations about religion, Jon convinced me that I was not an atheist and that I should not define myself negatively. That had a powerful impact on me.

I also began to read about and study all religions and have conversations with people of all different faiths. I was stunned and amazed at what I learned and embarrassed by the fact that I had been so judgmental with so little knowledge. I became completely fascinated and absorbed by the subject. I came to be sympathetic and admiring of so many people of faith that I might have dismissed before. How could I, a reporter and interviewer, not have seen that to really understand someone, you must understand what their beliefs are? I learned the differences between religion, faith, and spirituality. I was surprised to learn how many different points of view people, even those of the same faith, have. Everyone, it seems, has his or her own personal view of God.

So do I, now. I believe in God and I believe in the Divine. Here is what God is for me: Goodness and love and beauty, humility, kindness and grace, generosity, and the human spirit. I believe in happiness because those who are happy are more compassionate and those who are more compassionate are happier. I once was asked what I wanted on my epitaph. I said, “Good mother, good wife, good daughter, good friend.” I strive to be the best person I can and the most authentic. Sometimes I’m more successful than other times. I want to understand myself so that I can better understand others. I try to help those less fortunate than I am in ways that I can. I believe that there is more joy in giving than receiving. I believe we all have spirits or energy within us, and that truly connecting with another person on a profound level is divine. I believe there is God in having fun, in laughter, in dancing, in having sexual intimacy with the person you love, in sharing a meal with wine and candlelight with people you care about. There are times when I feel a genuine ecstasy over something of beauty or love or an act of kindness. There is certainly God in my feelings of love for my child, my husband, my family and my friends. There is not a day in my life that I am not overwhelmed with gratitude for everything I have and for all the good and beauty in the world.

Do I believe in a creator? It’s too overwhelming to contemplate. Who or what created the creator? Am I curious? Of course. I’m a journalist. I want to know everything. I am, however, resigned to the fact that I will probably not know the answers to these questions in my lifetime so I am not struggling.

Am I afraid of death? Yes and no. I am not ready to die but I believe that my energy and spirit will live on in another place. I’m not sure I’d call it life after death.

I think we are all the same in the sense that no matter what faith or belief we have we all yearn for a sense of peace and happiness and fulfillment. It is those differences that make our existence so exciting and so rich.

One of the reasons I’m so proud of “On Faith” is because it gives everyone a chance to explain his or her beliefs or faith in an intelligent, compassionate, and open minded way. There is no right or wrong way to believe. The only wrong thing is to try to impose your own religious views on others or condemn others for theirs as long as they hurt no one. There is God in understanding and respecting each other’s point of view. I’ll respect yours if you’ll respect mine.