I can't remember where I read the comment, but it stayed with me: "If you get your grief wrong, you get everything wrong." I would add a correlate: It's really hard to get grief right, and few of us do.
Right now, I'm trying to get it right as I face the death of my surrogate father and friend of 25 years, Salvatore "Red" Verderame. Red, who died Saturday, was a mentor, a role model, an icon. If you live in Connecticut and are of a certain age, you know Red Verderame. In every way, he was larger than life.
Raised in a cold water flat on Grand Avenue in New Haven's old Italian neighborhood, a hulking 6'5" standout athlete in high school and college, Red became a legendary basketball coach as a young teacher. He won state championships when high school basketball riveted the state, took his teams to Boston Garden for sell-out games, served in the U.S. Information Agency in Africa when basketball was a weapon in the Cold War, coached the Egyptian Olympic team at the 1984 Los Angeles Games, and taught high school students for six decades in the New Haven public schools he loved. He is a giant of a man -- full of humor, domineering, passionately committed to young people, tough as nails, painfully honest, unforgiving of artifice.
It's not for this space to rehearse the stages of grief or the many counseling opportunities available for those who are experiencing loss. Perhaps there is nothing new to be said to those who are crushed by sadness.
But I need to try to get this right. The stakes are just too high.
As I think of Red, I think of all the moments in our shared past that we can no longer replay -- of my comical errors when he took me trout fishing, of his swagger in outsmarting teenage mischief makers in the halls of Hillhouse High School, of his storytelling about this or that guy in Beirut or Cairo or Harare, of his cutting insight into human affairs. I can feel myself missing him. And I will be devastated by the sight of Ann, his amazing wife, in sadness, and of his children, his grandchildren. They will never be the same without their hero.
In the face of such sadness, religion is often misunderstood as suggesting the following: have faith in the afterlife and stop being sad because everything is fine. Superimpose the promise of heaven onto your sadness and fear, and soldier on.
But I want to dwell on my sadness and experience it to the fullest -- not because it's easy but because it's the clearest evidence I have of the power of love. I've come to believe that grief is a resounding reminder of love. The more love, the more grief. With no love, no grief. From that perspective, grief is a strange and haunting invitation to the divine.
That's why right now, the more I think about Red, the more I realize how much I love him. On the one hand, it makes me all the sadder: There is no sugar coating loss and the loneliness and pain and fear that accompany it.
But when I face that loss head-on, I find the opposite of sadness too: I laugh again at his humor, absorb again his cutting insight, reflect again on his ornery but irresistible demands; experience again his protective support. To be attentive to grief is to see its mirror image, love. Grief is only partially about what I'm losing; it's also about what I've found. And what I've found is that sometimes, in St. Paul's language, "in the twinkling of an eye," sadness yields to being flooded by a love that abides, that is not defeated, that does not end. Love is the triumphant force. And it is present most acutely in grief.
I don't, therefore, think it's surprising that some of the people with the deepest faith in the power of love dedicate their lives to others in the worst of straits. Think of all those religious figures from every tradition who for millennia have devoted themselves to care for the dying; to supporting those with "heart breaking" disabilities; to living among those in crushing poverty. I used to wonder why those who willingly chose such lives often looked so joyful, so strong, so powerful. Amidst so much grief, how are they so happy?
I think it's because they take grief seriously, face it squarely and find it a transformative window into love. They're not happy in the giddy sense of the word; life is too brutal for that. But somehow, by living amidst grief, they tap into the power of love and that gives them a strength that most of us simply don't have. It's as though living close to the fear and pain of grief opens a window into the power to overcome that same fear and pain. I think that's the authentic message of religion: in paradox, love abides. In mystery, love defeats death.
None of this is easy. Red's death in a Connecticut hospice, and words won't change his reality or yours. I've lost my friend and it's overwhelmingly sad. Every reader knows what I mean. None of us is immune.
But I want to get it right as I face the unknown. As he went to face execution, Socrates told Athens: "I go to die, and you to live. But who goes to the better lot is unknown to anyone but the God." We don't know what's next for Red. But the more I grieve for him, the more I believe he will never die.
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Comments (18)
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February 21, 2008 10:11 AM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 21, 2008 10:11
MR. P R E S I D E N T, S H R i V E R ! Ya Ya YEAH!
February 20, 2008 6:56 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 20, 2008 18:56
Dear Tim,
What a lovely tribute to Red Verderame. I was at the wake last night and his life was truly inpiring. Although I did not know him personally, his daughter is a dear friend of mine. Believe me, his legacy of greatness lives on through her.
February 20, 2008 2:58 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 20, 2008 14:58
Dear Tim,
What a lovely tribute to Red Verderame. I was at the wake last night and his life was truly inpiring. Although I did not know him personally, his daughter is a dear friend of mine. Believe me, his legacy of greatness lives on through her.
February 20, 2008 2:58 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 20, 2008 14:58
FJ:
My deepest sympathies for your loss. My wife of 37 years died just two months ago, and I can barely get by from day to day.
I do not believe that love conquers death. As an atheist, I believe that death is the end, period. There is nothing after, no better existence, no better place. Love does help one cope with death and with profound sadness and impossible loneliness, but death still remains. It is part of life. Those of us who remain can use that love to inform our lives as we try to move forward.
February 19, 2008 10:41 AM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 19, 2008 10:41
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February 19, 2008 8:48 AM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 19, 2008 08:48
Dear Dr Priver
My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your surrogate father and friend of twenty five years, Red. Many thanks for sharing your personal story on this forum in such a touching manner. Since grief is something all human beings share in common, your story could be anybody's story. Hence those of us who have known the grief of loss understand.
Since you know the books that deal with grief on a professional basis, there is no need to list them. In my personal opinion, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is by far the best pick for an author though. She teaches one not only how to deal with the grief of loss but also how to die well. Since we must all die, it makes for essential reading - the art of dying.
Is there such a thing as getting grief wrong? The wrongest thing would be to avoid the process of grieving altogether. The rituals of mourning established by religions I'm glad do play an important role in dealing with grief. Who can prescribe how long each of us must mourn, and mandate what stages it must take? The religious tradition that I'm familiar with (I'm a Syro-Malabar Catholic by denomination and have been part of the wider Roman Catholic church from the age of about fourteen) which follows the local Hindu cultural customs, prescribes mourning for about 40 days and the mourning is complete at the first anniversary. Both ocassions are celebrated grandly.
The person does not ever die in our hearts. As a Christian, my faith in an afterlife gives me reason to believe in a reunion, in another realm of existence, in another form, where there will be no more parting and no more death.
The right way to deal with grief, if ever there is any, is to believe that the person has only moved on to another level of existence. The place the person took in our lives will always remain empty, but that is no reason not to rejoice and keep alive the wonderful memories. That is the best way to express our love - by keeping the beautiful memories alive, not being grieving rightly or wrongly. Celebrating while still grieving, ever grateful for what was, smiling while still crying...
I wish you strength and consolation in the days, weeks and months as you struggle to come to terms with a loss that nobody else will ever fully understand, for nobody can know the place 'Red' has in your heart and in your life. 'Red' is alive not just in your heart but also at another level of existence where all is well with him.
Soja John Thaikattil
Sydney, Australia
February 19, 2008 4:11 AM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 19, 2008 04:11
Timothy; I am reminded of what a Hebrew Bible professor in seminary taught my class about dealing with grief, in wrestling with the story of Job. As you know, Job's friends joined him on the dung heap after his tragic losses and tried to rationalize it ('maybe it was because you did this or didn't do that...'). The professor's advice was an equally earthy suggestion but of great value to me and, hopefully, to those I have been in contact with in situations such as yours. My professor said, "what Job needed was for his friends to be still and listen, to 'hold his head and help him from choking on the vomit of his grief.'" Right now, what you need to do is to express your grief, and what we as your internet friends need to do is to "listen," and to hold you in prayer. Write more and talk more, express your feelings and be honest. There are no magic answers but time -- in my experience -- will likely give you more opportunities to be thankful for your life with your friend and also opportunities for your friends to discern thoughtful and sensitive ways of responding to your unfolding feelings.
At the risk of ignoring my own advice, I leave you with one pastoral thought that I will hope is some comfort, in other words of St. Paul: that nothing, not even death, will separate us from God's love. (Romans 8:38-39). May that love uphold you in the days to come.
Grace and peace,
DS
February 19, 2008 12:31 AM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 19, 2008 00:31
Somewhere I once read: "Sorrow's crown of sorrow is our memory of happier days." I think it may be Shakespeare.
February 18, 2008 11:21 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 23:21
"Good grief." Charlie Brown
February 18, 2008 11:11 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 23:11
Tim ,ur a good guy raised well,good heart,ur intentions are sincere.But they seem deeply personal and u may be sharing them with apublic that appears to have little in common with you.Griefs a tough one and deep faith is necesary for us to get beyond the loss.Your family certainly have always showed great dignity in their grief,but i think the biggest problem we face today is the lack of family,the solid connection.again u are lucky.
February 18, 2008 8:51 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 20:51
i have know at least my share of greif as we all do i suspect...i momentarily will join you in a sybolic bond that we all have at times like theses..although i don't know your friend i have know people like him... you described him with your heart and that at the end of sombodys life to have some one do 4 one... i supect would have been important if he could have know in hindsight what we all will not know till we know... you on the other hand if i might make a suggestion based upon my own experienceis.... don't try to figure out how you should feel.... what you should be doing... if you were doing this greif thing right.... in my experience... it will have a mind of its own which i later find out is my own true feelsings and thoughts and heart...noone else can tell me what this is... but i have ot allow myself to feel sad without wallolling in it.....to cry if i need to....to be alone and quiet and thoughtful if that is what i crave at a particular time and i am not obligated by something else to do it... but at the same time being selfish if i desperately need it. to let time be the arbitrator of time and not my preconceive expections of timeline and most important to not try to pretend that there is not fear... or even a little anger maybe at god himself. I have learned God has broad sholders and he is not angry or dissappointed when i bring my true heart to him to mend... what are my choices to try to fool him since he knows what i think and feel anyway... and lastly seek out people sometimes to take my mind off of the greif to enjoy something lite hearted and fun....and the opposite at times when it presents itself naturally but surely not forced... work with some else who is hurting to get out of my self and feel again the true love and compassion that all healthy human beings feel when they are able to share a little bit .. thank you for allowing me to do this small little act of sharing... i know from experiience i will feel good after i put down my key board but remember i'm not some fancy religiosus scholor i'm a very imperfect artist so please chech for truth if any
February 18, 2008 7:55 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 19:55
Getting grief right?
Religion from the heart?
Well, with the right script-writer, perhaps.
February 18, 2008 7:45 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 19:45
This is nonsense. You don't know anything about grief or love because your friend passed away. Stop writing and pretending that religion has anything to do with life and death - living and dying. You're just full of baloney.
February 18, 2008 6:15 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 18:15
Dear Timothy,
Thank you for sharing your grief. I loss my wife less than a month ago. She was only 31 years old and full of life. I am a graduate student and she was a graduate student. She died a brain aneurysm. She was not sick and there was no sign of which we knew. I am heart broken. I am crushed. She was a phenomenal women, constantly trying to figure out how to help others. She could never say no when she was called upon by her friends or anyone. I simply can't believe what happened to her. She was my everything.
I hope you find comfort in the company of your friends and family.
Thanks,
FJ
February 18, 2008 3:10 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 15:10
I love the way you wrote this, very insightful and simple. Thanks for sharing your grief and how you are processing it. It's really lovely. Take care of yourself especially during this time.
Michele Cole, LCSW
www.movingforwardplc.com
February 18, 2008 1:50 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 13:50
Dear Timothy,
I am so sorry for your loss.
Last year, I lost my dad. A wise chaplain at the hospital shared with me the following: "Grief is the tax we pay on loving." It has been hard, but the tax is well worth the love.
You, and his wife and family, remain in my prayers.
February 18, 2008 12:42 PM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 12:42
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February 18, 2008 11:08 AM | Report Offensive Comments
Posted on February 18, 2008 11:08