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Forgiveness, Women and Infidelity
When is it OK not to forgive?
And what does forgiveness really mean? As so many of us understand it, is it destructive?
I was disappointed at the news of John Edwards having had an affair. I don't know why I think that when people "act moral" they ought to be moral. My solution has always been to not act so "moral." All of us fall short.
Be that as it may, we must, as humans, have an innate need to believe in the potential for other human beings to "be moral," i.e., to not fall short, to set a different standard, as if to say that this "goodness" stuff is really possible.
In the height of the Democratic primary, I was enthralled; there was a woman, an African American and a senator from North Carolina who just seemed to be beyond the pale of human imperfection. As his wife stood with him and the two of them announced they would press on in spite of the recurrence of her cancer, I was inspired. What a wonderful thing, I thought. "Good" people doing "good" in bad times. It doesn't get much better than that.
John Edwards has and had that "all American" look about him: clean-cut, polished, distinguished ... and he talked all the things Americans like and need to hear.
So, when the news of his sexual liaison came out this week, I was disappointed. He was and is human after all, like all the rest of us. I don't believe a word of his story about how the affair took place, when it started, and that the love child is not his. But that's not my concern. All that is done in the dark comes out. It always does ...
What I'm concerned about is Elizabeth Edwards, and in fact all women who deal with unfaithful husbands. Over and over, I have seen women in my office for pastoral counseling, hearts broken because of an unfaithful spouse, convinced that the Bible tells them they must stay and forgive their husbands.
The Bible does say forgive. It says nothing about staying.
And funny, the men who have cheating wives never seem to be bound by the same theological directive. They come angry and indignant, and decry the audacity of their wives to have cheated on them. I never get from them the sense ... or the statement ... that they should forgive their wives OR stay with them. If divorcing their wives mean they will go to hell, then, that's life.
It's the women - taught very well by men - who come thinking that they must forgive their husbands and that forgiving means "stay."
There is, in other words, this huge double standard. What? Are there two gods, one for the men and another for the women, with separate instructions for each?
Now, to be honest, I think part of the reason women stay with unfaithful husbands is because husbands, some of them, provide security. Women in high-profile relationships grow accustomed to the lifestyle. They like the perks of being in a relationship where the man is prominent. Face it: it's easier to be married to someone than to try to make it on your own, especially if you have children. Trust me when I tell you this: I was divorced years ago and raised my children alone.
I would not wish that on my worst enemy.
So women opt to choose with unfaithful husbands, often using his infidelity as a yoke around his neck and around the neck of the marriage, to control him forevermore.
But intertwined with that in many cases is this false understanding that forgiving the husband means you have to stay with him. It's the same twisted logic and reasoning that women who are being physically abused use as they stay with their husbands.
Their pastors - often male but not always - tell them that God wants them to stay with their husbands, or else they, the women,are sinners, doomed to hell.
What more can hell be than being with a person whom you do not trust and who does not respect you? Cut me a break!
But forgiveness doesn't mean that at all. Forgiveness means that you "give" the other person room to have made a mistake, acknowledge that nobody is perfect, and cease needing to feel anger at that person.
The other person no longer is allowed to occupy a space in your spirit. You can move on. You wish him or her no harm. You are content to let them work their stuff out themselves.
That would be God's grace working and doing what we humans cannot do.
Forgiving a person DOES NOT mean you have to keep letting him or her beat you on the brow. It does not mean you have to be best friends. As I said in my book, "Forgive WHO?" forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to have tea and crumpets with them.
You just do not actively engage in being angry. You love that person with an agape, unconditional love, and if that person ever needs help, you are free enough of your anger to help him or her ... and move on.
I hate it that we religious types have gotten it all confused.
I hate it that too many women think forgiving their unfaithful spouses mean they need to stay in hell while they're alive.
One cannot really forgive if one does not know what forgiveness is. When we don't understand what it is and isn't, the false act of forgiveness is destructive. We sink deeper and deeper into despair. Some people become depressed; others, physically sick.
Real forgiveness is liberating.
We women ought to get that.
By
Susan K. Smith
|
August 25, 2008; 8:31 AM ET
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Posted by: Anonymous | August 26, 2008 8:55 PM
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I have no respect for men who can't keep their zipper up (or women who can't keep their panties on) after having vowed fidelity. I have been married to over 30 years and never once have been tempted to cheat on my husband, nor has he ever given me any occasion where I would question his faithfulness. If ordinary people like we can have morals, why shouldn't I be able to expect them from leaders who want me to elevate them to higher office?
By the way, I don't think Michelle would ever let Barrack get away with it. She's quite feisty, that one. She will make a formidable First Lady.
Posted by: Gaby | August 26, 2008 5:11 PM
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I have no respect for men who can't keep their zipper up (or women who can't keep their panties on) after having vowed fidelity. I have been married to over 30 years and never once have been tempted to cheat on my husband, nor has he ever given me any occasion where I would question his faithfulness. If ordinary people like we can have morals, why shouldn't I be able to expect them from leaders who want me to elevate them to higher office?
By the way, I don't think Michelle would ever let Barrack get away with it. She's quite feisty, that one. She will make a formidable First Lady.
Posted by: Gaby | August 26, 2008 4:49 PM
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Hillary is going to make a speech instead of delivering an acceptance speech. What happened?
Billy Boy's fifteen minutes of zipper-down fun and Hillary's acceptance of such activity!!!! Had she divorced the womanizer, she would be giving the acceptance speech!!
No guts, no glory!!!
Posted by: Concerned The Christian Now Liberated | August 26, 2008 3:41 PM
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JJ, I should take that as a compliment?? I hope ❥
Be good ☪
Posted by: Anonymous | August 25, 2008 9:39 PM
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Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Caveat: A N O N Y M O U S, et al:
You are so soo Beutifull to "i", ya ay!
Posted by: Eclat}i}-On, Nationalis, USA 2012+! | August 25, 2008 7:47 PM
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whats up doc, "'Genuine' L♥VE is like a Cable of an Expansion Bridge (not Pubic Hairs, so to spaketh) that nothin can break Them Apart, even Nature!
Hence: "until Death o Us Part" or "Stick it-out Thick n Thin"!"
The point to your statement is truth.....I like the heart too!
Posted by: Anonymous | August 25, 2008 7:32 PM
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---
Note: Att: WAPO et al:
ATT: P A G A N-P L A C E , B - M A N , A R M I N U S, etc..,
Most Pagans are QUEER NATiONAL(s), a secret National & International ‘Non-Straight’ Mafiaoso conspiracy. They are Anti-ECLAT{ARiAN}-AMERiCAN-NATiONALis!
Note: Each National is an Automatic Citizen/Denizen of Holy Cosmic NEBULA-Built Space-Ship Earth(s), aka S.S. GAiA, S.S. GEOiD, S.S. TELLUSng something! A very Hol{i}, Hol{i}, experience!
Only Jealous/lost Queers can make Fun of the 4-way Totem Pole Reality! (not Cross).
ATT: P A G A N-P L A C E , B - M A N , A R M I N U S, etc.., an Openly QUEER-GANG of National vile Homosexual(s) on WAPO whom was Told To Leave this Straight-Blogg for a Non Straight Blog of Many!
Why Don't Ye Evilgelicals Fundamentalist & counter partners ,QUEERS NATIONALS , LEAVE Us SECULAR-STRAiGHTS or ApocalyptarIan-NATiONALS ,ALONE?!
For the Nth time, please Go to Queer Bars, Queer Blogs, Queer-Places, Fetish Church’s etc.. but , no more Here! (Straight-Place)! Don’t Worry, Blogs , life Life, wil go-on w/out Ye QUEER Nationals!
QUESTION f.a.g.i.t QUEER : A R M i N U i S and or wanna B-aMAN, P A G O N - P L A C E. et al:
Stop Evading the Mavorite & Sporade Hol{i} No-Men Question!
" A Marriage (oral or Writtenly) is Sacred/Hol{i} (if Ye Know What that Word Means) between a real Gent (Mavorite, aka HUE{Mate}) and a Real Lady (Sporade, aka HUE{mate}) is IT! Never Between a 1/2 Man & !/2 Women! aka QUEERS-interchange!
So: P A G A N Queer: Yes or NO! Please no in between! YES or No on Marriage Question. Please don't tell Us Ye Don't Knoweth!???
We are still waiting for answer that ye Evaded on this straight Blogg: Soo,: YES (Yea) or NO (Nay)!?
Ahhhh. When Ye PAGAN QUEER Nationalis today are asked for a YES or No on the 'Marriage is Between a Real Man & Woman as Sacred-Union , so Apocalyptically exposing TRUTH (opposite of MYTH) that Ye F.A.A.G. Nationalis of America & Abroad are ignoring this like count Dracula runs away from a Cross!
Originally posted August 22, 2008 5:48 PM , but jealously deleted by Non-Straights ‘Offensive Comment” via Jealousy ABUSE!
WE are all Daughters & Sons of the Creator of O.U.R. Hol{i}-Cosmic Fiat Luix! A genuine non-Jealous, thus a genuine fearless Hol{i} No Men!
Bye Bye F.a.g.g.i.t.s!
Posted by: What's Up Doc | August 25, 2008 5:54 PM
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Note: Like Marriage between a real MAVORiTE (gent) & a Real SPORADE (lady) is sacred, that "SEX is Not LOVE", aka Cooochy Poochy! So,
Having extra Sex with another Duly? Married Spousa/o , besides risky Biz, is Fun!
Ps: Justly do not get Caught! That's All Folks!
--
Please knowth that "Sexual Pleasure Loyalty" by oral or written or Celebate swearings/promises, are made to be broken.
i.e., For the Same reason a Polygamist Muslom/Moslum/Muslmen can hath 4-Wives (bet LDS folks are Coveting this) that , in Fact He/Him Does not LOVE them ALL, the Same, when having Sex!
Like some Woman call Men 'Pigs', then Men can call them 'Bietches.'. Any ways, Sex is not Love!
'Genuine' L♥VE is like a Cable of an Expansion Bridge (not Pubic Hairs, so to spaketh) that nothin can break Them Apart, even Nature!
Hence: "until Death o Us Part" or "Stick it-out Thick n Thin"!
THEREFORE: SEX is not love, Sex is not about Loyalty! Sex is about Procreating MEMETiCly!
WARNiNG: Sex is Dangerous, not Love either!
Posted by: What's Up Doc? | August 25, 2008 1:50 PM
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We must judge those running for leadership positions. A person who cheats on his wife or husband cannot be trusted. Those who cheat on a sick wife or husband multiply the distrust and are even more unfit for leadership positions.
Posted by: Concerned The Christian Now Liberated | August 25, 2008 11:37 AM
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"Forgiveness" is a concept whose meaning I constantly struggle with.
If it means that I can acknowledge that you, like me, are not perfect, and make mistakes, and if you are willing to own your mistakes and take steps to ensure that you don't repeat them, then I'm willing to give you a chance to prove that you mean it.
If it means that if I find lipstick on your underpants, I'll apply stain remover and pretend it never happened, then no, I don't forgive.
Adultery is not a mistake one makes. A mistake is something that you do unintentionally. You can't unintentionally cheat on your spouse. No one accidentally takes off his or her clothes and has sex with another person. Is it natural to be attracted to people other than your spouse? Of course. That's not justification for cheating. If you don't intend to be faithful, don't get married. If you're bored with your spouse and want to return to the dating scene, get a divorce first. If you're bored and refuse to divorce, then suck it up. And saying "I'm sorry" when you get caught doesn't make it all better.
Posted by: lepidopteryx | August 25, 2008 10:48 AM
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Pastor, you are a breath of fresh air in the sea of tired, patriarchal, religious rhetoric!
Posted by: Donna W. | August 21, 2008 8:38 AM
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“And funny, the men who have cheating wives never seem to be bound by the same theological directive.”
Perhaps your observation is less indicative of men in general and more a condemnation of your effectiveness as a pastor.
Posted by: Stephen | August 14, 2008 5:03 PM
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Thank your for this article. I agree with your concept of forgiveness and forgiving. Too often I see women staying in abusive and destructive relationships because they believe that God wants them to forgive the abuser and therfore stay with him and as so many have said "God will work it out". They fail to realize that God equips us with the tools to work it out and not just say the words and wait on Him to come and do it for us. Again, thank you.
Posted by: Monica MJ | August 14, 2008 4:35 PM
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"Forgiveness, Women and Infidelity" by Pastor Smith may be a breakthrough in our understanding of forgiveness.
The gender double standard needed to be exposed. However, in the case of John Edwards, a voice advocating more vigilence on behalf of the poor has been undermined. The scale of the tragedy of infidelity is not limited to the Edwards family.
I hope churches will discuss Pastor Smith's ideas.
Richard H. Sewell
Posted by: Richard Sewell | August 14, 2008 2:50 PM
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"They come angry and indignant, and decry the audacity of their wives to have cheated on them. I never get from them the sense ... or the statement ... that they should forgive their wives OR stay with them"
Susan... just so you can not say 'never' again. I forgave my wife nearly twenty years ago. I have stayed with her and love her dearly. She lied to me and cheated, but she has promised to never do so again. That's good enough for me. It's in the past, there were 'circumstances' that made such a fling easier, to be sure. We have grown, matured, and we got over it all long ago. So please, revise your blanket, spiteful condemnation of all men...
Posted by: Possum | August 13, 2008 2:18 PM
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