Vengeance is Mine, Sayeth the Lord

It's a good thing I believe that judgment and forgiveness belong to God and do not depend on human action, especially mine. Perhaps Elizabeth Edwards has forgiven her husband; I know that speaking personally, I want to shake John Edwards until his bleached white, perfectly aligned teeth rattle like castanets. I'm certainly with Sally Quinn on that one.

Like many Americans, I am especially outraged by Edwards' cheating because of his wife's cancer. It is always a profound betrayal for one spouse to cheat on another. Yet, to cheat on a spouse who is in remission, when it is well-known that stress can be a trigger that can cause cancer to reoccur, is particularly insensitive. Did Edwards think she'd never find out? Sure.

If Elizabeth Edwards is able to let go of her anger at this betrayal and forgive, more power to her. It is not necessary either to her health or to the state of the soul of her husband that she do so, however. Women are constantly urged to "forgive and forget" their husband's infidelities or their violence or both--if they do not own their anger at this mistreatment, it actually can be more harmful to them than if they honestly admit to themselves and others how angry they really, really are and kick the bum out. Either way, however, I dearly hope that Mrs. Edwards is working through this betrayal in a such a fashion that it brings her true peace and I hope she has trusted people around her who can help her do so.

To think that John Edwards being forgiven somehow depends on his wife's action is a common misunderstanding about forgiveness. This view is wide-spread, though not well founded in the Christian tradition. The common misperception is that the really faithful thing to do is "forgive and forget" so that the victimizer, the one who has perpetrated the harm, can "get right with God." In fact, the bible says that judgment and forgiveness are the work of God, not human beings.

The result of the "forgive and forget" pressure for the victim can be harmful. The victim, in addition to being victimized, does not need the additional pressure of being held hostage for the state of grace of the victimizer. The one who has been harmed needs grace and compassion, not transcendent pressure to be responsible for someone else's soul.

Correcting this misunderstanding about forgiveness is key to answering the question we have been asked. Forgiveness can become destructive both to victims and to perpetrators when it is understood as dependent on the attitude of the victim. Victims are re-victimized by this pressure to "forgive and forget." It becomes just an extension of the harm. Furthermore, perpetrators are deluded into thinking they are let off the divine hook if they can just convince the one they've harmed to forgive. That's cheap grace, the quick and easy 'get out of jail free card.' Instead of Jesus' admonition, "Go and sin no more," what the perpetrator often concludes is, "ok, I'm cleared to sin again."

Reserving judgment and forgiveness for God frees victims from responsibility for the one who has harmed them, and it puts the focus where it belongs, on their healing; it means that the chief concern of faith is not with the sinner but with the sinned against.

I believe that Elizabeth Edwards and her children are the focus of divine compassion in this mess; from what I have seen and read, I think John Edwards still has a long way to go toward true repentance and reconciliation with his maker. I wish I could find it in my heart to wish him well in that, though I find I cannot at this point. It is, as I pointed out earlier in this post, a good thing that I am not God.

By Susan Brooks Thistlethwaite  |  August 12, 2008; 11:34 PM ET
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