Seeking and Finding What Matters

Someone asked me about 10 years ago what I would like written on my epitaph. I responded immediately without even hesitating. “Good mother, good wife, good daughter, good friend.”

He was surprised at my answer. Not as surprised as I was, though. Most people, he said, talked about their careers. Funny, I hadn’t even thought about that. When did it all change? I’ve been pondering the question ever since, asking myself what really matters to me? What are my priorities? What are my goals? What gives my life meaning?

I used to be a killer. I was ambitious and driven and professionally competitive. I wrote probing profiles of people, covered political campaigns, Washington social life and different cultures outside of this country. I took no prisoners. Everyone and everything was fair game. It was all about getting the story, getting it first, getting it best and getting read. I have to say that I believed that I was exposing the bad guys for who they were and recognizing the good guys. People liked reading what I wrote. Nevertheless, things and people seemed much more black and white in those days than they do to me now, much simpler. A lot of people got hurt in the process. I never really felt good about that.

My mother and my father were my guiding lights. They totally believed in me, believed that I could accomplish anything I set out to do. My father was a general, a war hero, someone with enormous integrity and a belief in his country and in right and wrong. My mother was the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. She was kind and loving and generous. Everyone adored her. When people met me, after I had started working as a reporter for the Post, they would look at me stunned. “You’re Bette Quinn’s daughter?” But your mother is so nice!” There was always a little voice in the back of my head that said, “But I’m nice too.” My mother never had a career, but I wanted to be admired the way she was, not the way I was.

Then I got married and I had my son Quinn when I was almost 41. He was born with a heart defect and had open heart surgery when he was three months old. That was only the beginning. From then until the time he was sixteen, he had more surgeries and medical problems than I can count. He was also severely learning disabled and had to go to special schools all of his life. My professional life came to a standstill for years while I stayed at home to take care of him. It never occurred to me to do otherwise.

It was only after he had gone away to a special boarding school for children with learning disabilities that I began to go back to work part-time. But it was never with the same drive and purpose that I had had before.

Without even realizing it my priorities had changed. What I cared about most was being a good mother. When Quinn was eight my mother had a series of massive strokes and ended up partially paralyzed and with minor brain damage. I had to move her and my father into a retirement community and hire a full-time nurse. She lived 12 more years. Caring for her and being a good daughter suddenly became one of my top priorities.

My husband retired as editor of the Post 16 years ago, moving upstairs to become Vice President at Large of the paper. He had already lost his parents. Since then he has lost his brother and sister and most of his closest friends. Our marriage has only become stronger as life changed for him. There is a 20-year difference in our ages and now my priority is to be a good wife.

I could not have gone through all of these changes without my many wonderful close friends. I don’t believe in one-way streets when it comes to friendship. I wanted to be as good a friend to them as they are to me. They are there for me and I am there for them.

More than anything however, as I get older, what means the most to me is the idea of being the most authentic person I can be, to be a truly good person. Of course I want to be happy. And I found that, even in the early days, what makes me the happiest is making other people happy.

Which bring me, ironically, back to the question of my career. Several years ago I began exploring religions. I had been an atheist all of my life and was becoming more and more interested in the question of faith. It seemed that there was nothing that I covered, nothing that mattered that didn’t intersect somehow with faith, be it politics, foreign policy, or the environment, not to mention people’s motivations, their values, their ethics, their morals. After much study I changed my mind about being an atheist. I would only describe myself now as a seeker.

What I discovered is that one of the biggest problems caused by religion throughout the world is the lack of understanding by people, not only of the beliefs of others but the lack of understanding of their own. This inevitably leads to a lack of sympathy and compassion. This ultimately led me to embark on a new project as moderator of this web site “On Faith” along with Jon Meacham. The idea for the site was to create a dialogue so that people of all beliefs will have a chance to learn and understand each other.

Nothing I have ever done in my life has given me more satisfaction or sense of fulfillment. I am completely engaged and passionate about the subject and the potential it has for change for the good. I have never met so many interesting people, had so many great conversations, or learned so much in the last year. The most important thing I have learned is a respect for the beliefs of everyone as long as they don’t impinge on each other or me.

Life is filled with suffering or dukkha as the Hindus call it. Whatever gives you solace, whatever gives your life meaning, whatever helps you make it through the night is nothing less than a blessing.

For me, it is my son, now 25, my husband, my friends, and my work. I feel enormous gratitude for how lucky I am, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. Oh yes, and dancing. I started dancing about two years ago and it is now a sacrament in my life. It gives me great joy and a sense of exhilaration. Whenever I dance I feel that anything is possible, that no matter how bad things may get, life will go on. A quote from the famous Rabbi Hillel best expresses how I feel.

“I walk, I fall down, I get up. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."

By Sally Quinn | May 20, 2007; 11:20 AM ET Save & Share:
Previous: Not Quite Mortal | Next: Satisfied or Fulfilled?

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How wonderful that Sally has been able to transform herself over time, as she has come to know herself better. Wise Women do that: adjust themselves to changing life circumstances; stand up to the challenges at hand with previously unknown resources that are revealed when needed.

I wonder why Sally thinks that Hillary Rodham Clinton's girlhood-to-mature woman growth is less genuine than Sally's own.

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Sally,

I enjoyed reading your statement "on faith" as opposed to statement "of faith" which my son recently wrote as part of his confirmation requirements. I look forward to reading some of the active conversations and sharing your website with the ministers at my church (First Presbyterian Church of New Canaan).

All the best to you and the family,

Sarah

Posted by: Sarah Robinson | October 9, 2007 5:24 PM
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Sally, I just heard your interview on the Retirement Channel where you compared fundamentalist Christians with Muslims because of our belief in the exclusivity of Christ. Definitely, we believe in exclusivity without apology, but it is exclusivity that must be made in one's heart and exclusivity that is available to everyone, not exclusivity that comes as a result of force, compulsion, or terror - there is a huge difference. I think it projects a lack of understanding of the teachings of Christ to suggest otherwise, especially when compared to the teachings of the Quoran. With that being said, we ARE true to Christ's teachings - you may chose to label that trueness as "fundamental" in a pejorative way, but how could we be "people of the way" (as we were known in the early days after Christ's resurrection) if we believed in multiple ways? That would, indeed, make God terribly injust to allow the death of His Son, if there were alternative pathways. You belong to an "exclusive" group of journalists covering religion - we all practice exclusivity in many ways - and you rely on journalistic "fundamentals" to advance your views - as we all use fundamentals to advance in life. Why should we have to renounce "fundamentals" in faith? Because you don't like the "exclusivity" of it? Gosh, seems like if we did not have some fundamentals we would all be blowing around in the wind. Exclusivity works, and it is most logical and most just - especially when it is available to all without respect to status, intellect, wealth or any other discriminator. The water is warm Sally....blessings.

Posted by: Gerry Purcell | September 4, 2007 1:21 PM
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It's a great achievement for Islamic leaders and scholars as well as Newsweek and the Washington post to present this imperative opportunity for inter cultural and global philosophical dialogue. What's important is that by exchanging our ideas and comments regarding inter religious relations and world events that affect our views of each other as fellow human beings. Since the advent of humanity, We strove to make sense of the world we live in and the lives we've experienced. Worldwide curiosities to learn the true nature of life and our universe is an exceptionally rare virtue upon life on Earth. In other words, we're the only known species on the planet who've pursued to unravel these great mysteries and developed written philosophies based upon our understanding of the world around us.
One such philosophy that lasted throughout the ages of humanity is commonly known as religion and spirituality. Ever since our early belief in the Sky God and the God Mother from ancient Pagan times, we vigorously pursued to unravel the truth about our most profound questions. As any educated person would know that religion and their core beliefs or faith have evolved over time. Paganism, Monotheism and Polytheism have been influenced by humanity as these great philosophies have influenced our perceptions and decisions in life over the ages. Over time humanity has embraced diverse religious faiths and spiritual convictions that continue to influence our behavior in our times and most likely beyond.
What's vital for humanity's progress and even survival is to know the true nature of faith itself. To understand the true origins of faith. But most of all, is to accept the truth for whatever it may be. Each one of us will learn the absolute truth once we die. But until that time comes for anyone of us to depart this world, we really don't know the answer to God's existence nor do we have the absolute truth in regards to the true nature of God. Besides if we did possess the truth, there would've been only one religion on Earth with no diversification of any way, shape of form. There would only be one holy scripture written throughout human history.
Considering one's religious faith to be absolute, while considering others to be false would be ethnocentric at best. While collectively searching to unravel the mysteries on nature, life and the universe through sincere reasoning and serious research would be enlightening at its worst. Most importantly, we must accept the fact is that none of us have conclusive evidence to confirm our core beliefs and there's always an immanent change that our most cherished beliefs could be wrong. Our greatest challenge would be to tolerate the truth no matter what it may ultimately be. With such an open mind, we would be able to overcome any future discovery that would contradict our faith regarding the true nature of life, spirituality and divinity.
Humanity does have the ability to achieve such a social achievement. However, it's solely up to humanity and not any other entity or groups of entities to decide our destinies. Each one of us has a choice to make; either hopelessly engaging into meaningless inter cultural conflicts or combine our scientific and cultural gifts to thrive into an enlightened global civilization that could ultimately expand beyond our solar system. The choice is yours, and the time to make it is now!

Posted by: Verse Infinitum | August 5, 2007 1:01 AM
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Thank you for creating a forum on Religion in the Post. I shunned the Post for many years because of its attitude of disrespect and neglect for those of faith.

I returned to my original faith after many years of stumbling around, searching for meaning. I've come to believe that atheism is it's own religion. It seems sad to me to believe in a set of beliefs that is, in essence, hopeless and self-centered.

Jesus pursued me and yet I stubbornly sought my own ways until Sept. 11. In the wake of the enormous tragedy, I finally surrendered my heart and soul in exchange for solace. My faith has matured and continues to grow and I'm more at ease than any time in my life, despite the bumps and grinds of life in the big city, war, terrorism, etc.

I fear at this point, there will be disrespectful Christianity bashers throwing the tired old arguments against God, etc. How tedious those old arguments are. My challenge - no one has the right to critizice God until they've made an honest effort to be in relationship with Him. Been there, done that.

I'd say God has selected you to "make a way in the desert." This forum may be your God-driven purpose, after all, made only richer by your life's experience as a dedicated mother of a son with a serious illness, a daughter and wife, and reporter of the will and woes of mankind. My

God is all about Relationships.

God's peace and grace be upon you,

Posted by: Corinne | May 28, 2007 10:36 AM
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A reminder that Nazism had nothing to do with religion. SPD is the German political party that opposed the Nazis from the beginning, Willy Brandt being among the most famous opponents.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_Democratic_Party_of_Germany

Posted by: Soja John Thaikattil, Sydney, Australia | May 23, 2007 1:02 AM
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Every once in a while on the On Faith forum I have read the comment (from atheists) about Hitler being a Catholic and the Holocaust being a consequence of his religion, almost seeming to suggest that the Holocaust was planned by Hitler in conjunction with the Vatican. On two ocassions I tried to set the record straight, and a hundred posts later the same suggestion that Hitler was a Catholic and Holocaust was a result of his catholicism. Why? Why? Why?

Hitler was born a brown eyed, brown haired, short statured Austrian Catholic but German nationalism, the root cause of the Holocaust, had nothing to do with his Catholicism.

The Nazis used as their symbol, the Swastika (Hakenkreuz/hooked cross), which is from Hinduism and NOT Christianity or Catholicism. But the Swastika, used to signify the Aryan race, was used in a different direction by the Nazis, much like Satan worshippers might use the inverted cross to express contempt for it. Some Nazis supposedly indulged in some form of occult practice.

The first country invaded by the Nazis was Poland, 95% of its population being Catholic. Are those who claim the Nazis were Catholics, killing others based on their religious beliefs, implying that Catholics were killing other Catholics? Maximilian Kolbe was a Catholic priest who offered to die in the place of another man in the concentration camp. How come a Catholic priest was in a Nazi concentration camp if the Nazis were all Catholics practising their religion?

The Nazis had a purist, superior race ideology which went further than just race. Gays and gypsies were also put to death based on that ideology.

Could the atheists who put Nazism at the door of Catholicism please take a note of these factors?

Thanks.

Posted by: Soja John Thaikattil, Sydney, Australia | May 23, 2007 12:54 AM
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Mary Cunningham:

You don't like football? Blasphemy!

Rugby is cool though. The air base I was stationed at had an all American rugby team, and would go out and play local towns throughout England. They did pretty good.

I can't watch cricket........makes baseball games seem short.

And although the U.S. did a poor job at the World Cup, they were the only team to bring Italy to the edge. :) They tied the world champions. That's the best thing I can say about the World Cup.

Oh, and in the 02 World Cup, England got slightly robbed. And Steve McLaren is a moron.

Posted by: Russell D. | May 22, 2007 1:32 PM
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I'm not convinced that much truth--or good--can come out of adversarial arguments & psych. research shows the more sincerely held a belief, the more its holder will resist "tampering". To tell the truth atheism IMO offers very little but, maybe I'm not a good enough Catholic, I'll never try to convert anyone.

Against that are a few factors:

1)It is possible to rectify *historical* errors & there are a lot of those.

2) Bad ideas (like Social Darwinism--based on a logical error) have bad consequences. Just take a read of Hitler's ranting about survival of the strongest race--of course his. For someone who ranted on about strength and beautiful blondes he was a measly little runt wasn't he?

So I log in and post every so often. Of the good it does in the wider scheme of things, I'm in doubt.

PS To Russell...Football (Am. soccer) is the most boring game on the planet! Cricket is more a day in the sun (or rain if it's in England) with tea, visiting, &tc. Rugby is downright thrilling. But I'll *never* like football & I really have tried. Thing is all of the above are worldwide sports and the US is in none of them. The US is in world tennis, but not in team sports, unless you count rowing & sailing, not quite the same.

OTOH you *do* see Americans in Rome, in the great cathedrals of Europe, one of the priests--the one that wears trainers under his vestments-- in Westminster Cathedral is American: American Catholics in short. And American Evangelicals are in the worst places of the world, labouring away. So I think that US world influence in the political sphere is waning but its presence and importance in worldwide Christianity is huge.

It might be an appropriate subject for "On Faith."

We shall see.

Posted by: Mary Cunningham | May 22, 2007 12:31 PM
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Personally, I think this is a *very* good question this week: all manner of things come out. I think especially after the Falwell discussion: he's a polarizing figure, no surprise, there.

If the goal's for people of different beliefs to maybe understand each other a bit better, well, it's a good goal, even if there's a great deal of talking-past each other on some points.

Posted by: Paganplace | May 22, 2007 11:41 AM
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Mary Cunningham:

I understand that there is alot of hatred and bigoted statements on these boards. Those statements are made by people of all faiths. I don't condem Christianity because I am told I will burn in Hell, just as you shouldn't condem Atheism because it goes against your beliefs.
I try to be cordial with everyone I talk to.

I don't attack Christianity. I prefer to study it and know what I am talking about before I make a point to refute certain claims. I would emplore you to do the same and not rule out a group of people based on a few idiots.

I realize you are in the UK. I loved it over there, and every day I ask myself why I didn't stay over there. To me, it seemed as though the people overall were not as uptight as Americans. I loved it. Yet, you seem to be kind of uptight, but I am not going to hold that against the people of the UK. Catch my drift?
And on a personal note: the EPL would do better to keep some Americans coming in. It adds to the flare of an already outstanding league. Tim Howard rules. :)

Posted by: Russell D. | May 22, 2007 11:19 AM
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Who got a C- in ancient history??

It was Democritus, not Demosthenes.

However,Halogenv gets an D- in twentieth century history! And is so wrong that he must be Candide posting in a new name.

H. I don't have the inclination to update your prejudice...but that old nonsense about the Vatican and WWII..even a former apparatchik has stated bluntly in the UKs mainstream newspaper that the whole thing was a Communist plot..which isnt an argument..but even a great scientist like Einstein referred to the Pope as a righteous Gentile..as for whoever thought that by making a noise about what was happening re the Holocaust that the Church would have prompted the Allies to intervene is clearly oblivious to geopolitical reality.

The truth is the opposite..The Church published and issued *Mit Brennender Sorge* (it was written in German, guess who it was aimed at??), an encyclical written by the future Pius XII in 1937, indeed smuggled into Germany and read at churches, an explicit denunciation of Naziism as the 'pagan worship of the state'. The Church knew of the plot to assasinate Hitler, the Church was, by conservative estimates, responsible for saving up to 700,000 Jews during WW2, more than anyone else bar the Allies, who had slightly greater military and material resources at their disposal than the Vatican.

It was not for nothing that both Himmler and Goebbels thought that their 'real enemy was the Pope in Rome.' If you want to read up on it, you can start with this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Myth_of_Hitler%27s_Pope

and also here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mit_Brennender_Sorge

Read! Improve Yourself.

Posted by: Mary Cunningham | May 22, 2007 9:38 AM
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Dear Mary Cunningham,

A woman should learn in quiteness and full submission.I do not permit a women to teach or to have authority over a man,she must be silent.1 Timothy 2.11-12

What you write doesnt fit to The Bible.

Holocause(I think you mean Holocaust) done by the catholics and the Pope,representetite(vicar) of Son of God didnt intervene.

Dear Mary,
Evolution happened.

Posted by: halozcel | May 22, 2007 7:03 AM
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Ms. Quinn & Mr Meacham,

You might pose a question:

What is atheism's worldview? How does it tie in with secular materialism?

Did it originate with Demostenes? That would make it very ancient indeed, as ancient as Judaism and older than Christianity.

How did Plato react? How did the early Christians react?

In my view, atheism has no appeal and has lead to monstrous acts--Social Darwinism, the Holocause and the Gulag..Is this mistaken?

Posted by: mary c. | May 22, 2007 4:11 AM
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Russell D.

Because I entered here innocently--foolishly--thinking the series would be about religion, belief, to use a misused word--spirituality, and found the blog full of atheists damning and mocking all of the above.

The one acceptable prejudices nowadays: anti-Catholic, anti Evangelical, some anti-Islam, but that is mostly from fear--Islamists fight back..The first two are from contempt. (Protestants and Jews escape.)

What I have found is that if I want to find religious thought I must go to a religious blog. Otherwise people of *no* faith prevail and they--men, mostly--are very violent about it.

Well, the violent bear it away...Still I have learned a lot, although it is not what I thought I would learn.

Posted by: Mary Cunningham | May 22, 2007 4:04 AM
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Dear Ms Quinn

Thank you for sharing details of your personal life, your dreams, your sorrows, your joys, your love for your son, family and friends, your courage in the face of challenges, your never ending enthusiasm to learn. Wow! How awesome and inspiring it is that you started to learn dancing at age sixty four! You remind me that I must learn how to get up better when I fall down, and it is not too late to learn to dance and sing even though I turn forty eight within a week.

You wanted written on your epitaph, “Good mother, good wife, good daughter, good friend.” Your wish is too modest Ms Quinn. Your contribution as a reporter is immense and you underestimate the value of the On Faith Forum that you started to moderate with Mr Jon Meacham at the risk of Washington Post being dubbed a religious newspaper. By making possible a mainstream opportunity to engage with religion, which highlights the urgent need for inter-religious dialogue, and the need to learn from others, you and Mr Meacham have set a process in motion that will have immense consequences in the years to come, far more than anyone can envisage at the moment.

I wish you great success in all your dreams and endeavours, including the book on religion you are currently in the process of writing!

Soja John Thaikattil
Sydney, Australia

Posted by: Soja John Thaikattil, Sydney, Australia | May 22, 2007 1:15 AM
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Good question Russell D. I have come to realize that atheism is just like christianity only in reverse. Everyone has their very own private definition of it. Many christians use it as a foil, this gives them something to fight. Christianity won't work unless there is something to oppose. They need atheism to continue. Again like religion it is all made up by man. My question is so what is someone's an atheist or plain just does not believe in the supernatural. Why do christians treat it as a threat?

Posted by: jwest | May 21, 2007 3:36 PM
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So, that explains why this vacuous question was posed. You were apparently in need of therapy and wanted to tell us all what a wonderful thing you have done.

Sheesh!

Posted by: A Handle | May 21, 2007 12:34 PM
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That was a very good post. Very well intentioned and I cannot complain about it.

Mary Cunningham:

Why the jab at atheists? Just curious why you let that little snipe in.

Posted by: Russell D. | May 21, 2007 12:27 PM
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PS
I did want to thank you, Ms. Quinn, and your colleague Jon Meacham, for putting in the effort to realize "On Faith" (even if it is overwhelmed by atheists from time to time). I appreciate it, I really do.

As a request, maybe you could gain inspiration from the news column in the religion section. There are a few themes there such as:

*The heart of Catholicism is moving westward and southward to Latin America. The first reading of the gospel at the funeral of John Paul II was in Spanish.

*Christianity in Africa will grow.

*Inspired by John Henry Newman and following his path to Rome of high profile conversions from Protestantism (the Anglican Edward Norman, Evangelical Francis Beckwith, Lutheran Roy Koon) to Catholicism will continue.

*"Jesus of Nazareth" by Pope Benedict will become a surprise best seller, mostly purchased by evangelicals, and outselling Richard Dawkins (OK that is wishful thinking).

* American global influence will wane, however American influence on global Catholicism and global Evangelicalism will continue to grow strongly, especially as the effect of the paedophile scandal recedes.

Posted by: mary cunningham | May 21, 2007 11:33 AM
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