Tense Holidays

Whether holidays are happy or not depends largely on personal and private moods and situations.

Observations of culture-wide tensions and unhappinesses usually fall into two zones:

1) Most holidays have some sort of religious cast--even "civil" holidays tend to. Those rooted in particular religious traditions are most likely to induce tension.

This is the case in "mixed marriages" or in citizen arguments about public displays.

Mixed marriages: people bring highest expectations to holidays, and so they make greatest demands on each other. It may well be that holidays are the WORST time to try to solve anything. Relax. Enjoy "both" (or more) traditions and sets of customs. They are NOT the same; they have different stories and promises. But these stories do not conflict at all points. They are often parallel and overlapping. I'd advise halves of split families not to try to score points or settle anything. Sit back. Listen to the other side; Learn from each other.

Citizen disputes: as churches and synagogues and families neglect the gatherings where holidays are celebrated, they want the public order to take over. That's the worst place. For example, you can mount a creche on a hundred thousand private lawns and almsot everyone will cheer. Insist that your symbols have monopoly or privilege on the court house lawn or in school and you are demeaning your own faith and trampling on the ways of others. Why make the public order have to compensate for our failure to "do" holidays in their natural habitats.

2) Other unhappinesses? We don't notice them so much as we scurry to and from work and meet deadlines; When we relax, let things go, "idle," we expect too much and bring up all the unhealed things that we don't attend to on non-holidays. We defeat the purpose of holidays in such cases. Again, advice; relax. Enjoy. Reach out to people to whom you can bring happiness.

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Prof. Martin E Marty,

You stated : "Mixed marriages: people bring highest expectations to holidays, and so they make greatest demands on each other."

Yes. A brother-in-law is married to a Chinese lady. Every year, for Chinese New Year, they went to her family's Chinese New Year gathering, including all sitting together for the Big Family Dinner Feast.

Roast suckling pig is a traditional centrepiece dinner dish as turkey is to Thanksgiving. My brother-in-law tried not to flich and ate all the other halal dishes they thoughfully prepared for him, his wife and children - all seafood and plenty of tofu/soya and vegetable dishes.

Another Chinese tradition is to gamble after dinner as the winner is said will have a very prosperous year ahead. Being a good Muslim, my brother-in-law don't gamble. His Chinese-in-laws teased him of wimping out on finding out on his luck for the Year of the Pig, or Rat, or Monkey or Snake or Hare or Dragon.

Other than that, they're fine and have fun with all the usual stresses related to family gatherings thrown in - too little time, too many people in one space and such.

And who said non-mixed couples don't have some problems for family gatherings? One has to negotiate beforehand, with one's spouse, whose parents' home the family is to go for traditional religious celebrations' family gatherings. This year in Jakarta, next year in Kuala Lumpur.

If in the same country, to your parents' house first for lunch, then to his parents' for dinner or vice-versa. Or, on day one there, and day two here and such if your parents and his parents are in different towns and states. More traffic accidents happened, and more are people killed in such accidents during the festive seasons. And I don't want to get into air travel. And then, there is your own home's family dinner and lunch and open houses for friends and colleagues.

After years of such, it is ingrained in one to not fight it, to accept it, and go with the flow. That certainly helps one to enjoy the gatherings as it should be.

Martin Marty

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