Lip service. That's what I was teaching them. That is was more important to say you're sorry than to actually be sorry. That an empty gesture like the hug they had given each other under duress could actually serve to make amends for a bump on the head and hard feelings.

And even worse, that the final or biggest wrong was the most important. Perhaps the one in tears had started the whole thing. Or perhaps it had been the other one. Or, more likely, both shared some responsibility for the spat. I hadn't stopped to ask why there had been a squabble. Rather, I had acted to end it as quickly as possible. What was that teaching my kids about fairness, justice, and shared responsibility? About due process? Even about innocent until proven guilty?

Obviously, parents do this sort of thing all the time. As do teachers, law enforcement officials, (I mean, how many people actually feel sorry for having sped when they pay that ticket?), and management across the country.

Slight wonder then that modern apologies often sound less than sincere, self-defensive, or even accusatory ( for instance the "I'm sorry you were offended" apology, which all too often means, "I didn't do anything wrong, You overreacted.")

I've always understood that an apology is an acknowledgement of having done wrong, as well as an avowal that you feel bad about the wrong you did. I also understood that it is only the first step in seeking forgiveness. A step that needs to be accompanied by the intention not to repeat the wrong, and to make amends for it, followed by the actual making of amends.

Sometimes that does mean a hug -- if it's sincere. Sometimes it might be paying a fine, or doing community service. Whatever it might be, the key is that our hearts are in it.

I found these concepts echoed in the Quran where we see two linked concepts -- astaghfir and at-tauba. The first means asking for forgiveness, the second means repenting or atoning. Interestingly enough, the word for repentance comes from a word that means "to return to." Tauba, then, comprises both a return to good behavior, and actions and attitudes which effect a return to the offended, a return to the harmonious relations with the offended which your wrong-doing threatened.

This can be understood both in terms of one's relations to God and to fellow humans.

When we sin, we seek forgiveness from God and repent to Him, making sincere intention to refrain from the sin, and sometimes atoning with deeds such as fasting, charity, extra prayers, and so on. This process effects a return to God and God's ways. Without sincerity, there can be no true return, for we will still remain away from God's ways.

Similarly, when we seek forgiveness from another person, we should seek forgiveness/apologize, and take steps to make amends. This too, effects a return to normal relations, to amicability, between the two parties. And in this case too, a lack of sincerity will render the process useless. We can all easily recognize which apology is genuine and which is fake. God may be all forgiving, all merciful, but humans tend to demand the real deal when it comes to forgiveness.