The reasons for this are no longer important. His confession took me aback, but his honesty in freely admitting his action, explaining his motive and asking for forgiveness was a remarkable act of personal courage. As he explained the feeling of remorse he had experienced, without any attempt at justification, and told how he had struggled with his action ever since, I found myself dealing not with feelings of anger and resentment on my own part, but of appreciation and respect. Furthermore I began reflecting on my own past actions and wondering how I might have unknowingly contributed to the problem.

I am certain I harbored no lingering ill-feelings, and I haven’t once thought of this incident until this week’s “On Faith” question caused me to reflect on it. But that apology worked for several reasons, all of them essential ingredients in a four-step process of repentance.

First, there has to be recognition that an action is wrong. That’s not always easy because personal pride and self-justification frequently get in the way. Most of us are much better at justifying our actions than assessing them from the viewpoints of others. My friend had the courage to look beyond his own self-interest and recognize what his actions looked like from another’s perspective.

The second step is asking for forgiveness from the wounded party or parties. If the first step is in place – genuine recognition of a mistake – the second is often easier than it might seem. Humans are, in my experience, often quick to forgive if they sense sincerity in the offender.

Public apologies, especially, have to be thoroughly genuine. If there is the slightest hint that the apology is merely a result of getting caught, or intended to deflect a threat to job or social position, it will ring hollow and impress no one.

Third is the issue of restitution. This means fixing the damage as far as is possible – compensating or restoring what was taken, whether material goods or damaged feelings or something else.

And fourth is the acid test of repentance. We don’t repeat the wrong. This may be the ultimate measure of sincerity, whether the apology is publicly or privately expressed.

Repentance and forgiveness are at the core of the gospel of Jesus Christ, because what the Lord wants from us ultimately is improved behavior. Jesus said plenty about repentance and forgiveness, and left us a pretty good formula for social harmony. It beats nurturing grudges and brooding about retribution.