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Seeking Peace in Our Worrisome World
By Mary Pipher
psychologist, author
All over America people are on the edge. They are worried about their businesses, health care and bank accounts. Some of my friends and family members have lost their homes and all of them are praying that they won't lose their jobs. As I look at the faces of people on the street, I see sorrow, exhaustion and fear. I know that some of these people are falling apart, but I don't know which ones. From personal experience I am aware of how quietly we can melt down.
My crisis was precipitated by the last speech I gave in 2001. Since the publication of "Reviving Ophelia" in 1994, I had pushed myself to work harder, faster and better. Over the years I had developed insomnia and heart and blood pressure problems. On an icy November morning my husband and I traveled from Nebraska to Ohio on commuter planes, both of which experienced mechanical problems. I had the flu and felt exhausted from my recent work trips. We drove a rental car through drizzle to a cheap motel in a dismal town. We stopped at the only place we could find that was open, a dark and dirty café. I had been reading "Fast Food Nation," a book about the quality of food in America.
I believed I could taste fecal matter in my chili. I realized that I was in trouble. Either my food was contaminated or I was so seriously depressed that I imagined I was eating excrement. Whichever it was, the treatment was the same -- go home and stay there.
At the event, my mood was black, but I marshaled my forces and functioned. Still, during the Q and A, when a student asked me, "What was the point of your talk?" I cascaded back into despair. I knew I was in trouble. By the next afternoon, when our flight touched down in Lincoln, I didn't want to move, speak, or eat. Acting normal, pretending to care, or talking to anyone required too much energy. I yearned for a vacation from the human race.
That winter I was, as Raymond Carver put it, 'too nervous to eat pie." Mostly I stayed home. I read biographies of Abraham Lincoln and I cooked my favorite soups. I walked on the prairie and listened to Bach. Mine was a polite crisis. I performed all my duties and no one but Jim, not even my adult children or best friends, knew I was falling apart. I tell you this because we can never know who among us is living in despair. Everyone carries a heavy burden. Everyone.
Trauma often turns us towards the sacred. I knew that my old ways of coping were inadequate for the tasks at hand. Growth was the only way out of my crisis. I turned towards Buddhism to calm down and to connect to something larger than my tired broken self. As I moved into Buddhist language and away from the terminology of mental health, I felt less damaged and alone. Buddha taught that life is suffering. In my sadness, I was simply committing the crime of being human. Slowly I recovered my health and vitality. But I did more than bounce back. I found a spiritual home where I could go when I wanted to be present and feel grateful. I increased my capacity for joy.
We all suffer but we don't all grow. Some of us remain locked in our small selves cosseted by a blanket of familiar, but outdated ideas. My new book, "Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World," is about my search for a bigger self. But I hope it is not just about me. I wrote it about us.
Despair is prevalent if not universal, but so are ancient and universal rituals of comfort and healing. We can lie in the grass like lizards and soak in the springtime sun. We can plant some pansies or tomatoes and visit with our neighbors. We can rock babies, lie down under the stars and walk along rivers. We can share meals and stories, and yes, we can share our pain and our love for each other.
Mary Pipher, Ph.D., is a psychologist and the author of the new book, "Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World." She will be reading and signing her books at 1 p.m. Saturday at Politics & Prose, 5015 Connecticut Ave NW, in Washington. Her seven previous books, include the New York Times bestsellers "Reviving Ophelia," "The Shelter of Each Other," and "Another Country," as well as "Writing to Change the World."
By Mary Pipher |
March 25, 2009; 3:54 PM ET
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Posted by: norriehoyt | March 27, 2009 11:32 AM
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Mary Pipher,
when someone is feeling blue for too long he/she should see a Board Certified Psychiatrist. Could be Minor or Major depression, the last one is due to imbalance of certain neurochemical and often respond to a combination of treatments including- but not limited- to medications. It could be other disease and a visit to an internist is also advised. Wake up, is 2009 now, you talk lime my greatgrandmather.
Posted by: ThishowIseeit | March 26, 2009 4:29 PM
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fr formerheap:
>...After more than 25 years of being debated,researched,the family of origin and the extended family being microanalyzed to the nth degree,depression probably is the lowest diagnoses that these type of monsters can formulate to explain away their bogus information collecting techniques,...
What a load of twaddle. Dr. Pipher is not a "monster", she is a fully licensed psychologist. Grow UP and get a life.
Posted by: Alex511 | March 26, 2009 3:38 PM
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Thank you so much, Ms. Pipher, for sharing your experience of both depression and search for wholeness.
This single statement is the key to all of life's interactions: "We can never know who among us is living in despair. Everyone carries a heavy burden. Everyone."
And because we can't know this vital thing about another person, we must take care in what we say to or about that person.
I myself am often guilty of firing off a nasty response to someone on a message board who I think is full of crap. The delicious anonymity of the format makes it easy to do so without guilt pangs or second-guessing.
Your reminder that I can never know what is going on inside that person's psyche -- how much of a desperate burden he or she might be dragging around right now -- makes me a bit ashamed.
In future, I'm going to try hard to think about this aspect of the other person before I interact. I appreciate your timely words of true and valuable wisdom.
Posted by: kjohnson3 | March 26, 2009 3:31 PM
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Where did this psychoquack get her ideas to make money off the information that someone else has supplied?The psychoquack who started the family lineage of dispair for my family of origin started at age 15 in a small cluttered room at the University of Michigan outpatient psychiatric facility,or was it psychology department.After more than 25 years of being debated,researched,the family of origin and the extended family being microanalyzed to the nth degree,depression probably is the lowest diagnoses that these type of monsters can formulate to explain away their bogus information collecting techniques,their interventions,their holier than thou approach to curing this woman's clan of any and all mental illnesses that have been put on the books for their selection.Get in a bind there are books that can put this woman,my sons,or any member of my family of origin or extended family in the nut house or in jail.If there is any more complaining there are even foreign trained psychoquacks,the military,and other countries who will send in the troops to create many funerals if necessary.After 911 and ALL the violence that occurs around the world,one would have thought that common sense and family histories would be an ancient tool,but not when they can make so much money off of the pain and suffering and laugh out loud so heartenly.
Posted by: formerheap | March 26, 2009 1:28 PM
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I am glad that you were able to find some semblance of relief. You wrote, "Buddha taught that life is suffering." Buddha got it half-right, which is better than all wrong. Jesus teaches, "In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have overcome the world." [Jn 16:33] Search for him, and he will reveal himself to you, and will dwell with you. I know this because he said so, and he does what he says he will (e.g., rise again after 3 days, etc.) + \o/ >
Posted by: DoTheRightThing | March 26, 2009 12:55 PM
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Mary Pipher wrote:
"Buddha taught that life is suffering."
*******************************************
DOTHERIGHTTHING wrote:
"Buddha taught that life is suffering." Buddha got it half-right, which is better than all wrong."
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Actually, the Buddha said:
"I teach suffering, its origin, cessation and path. That's all I teach", or, more directly:
"I TEACH SUFFERING AND AN END TO SUFFERING."
So the Buddha not only described the problem (suffering), he prescribed the cure for it.