All Comments (22)

JIM FITZSIMMONS:
“I am, as I write this watching a show on C-Span2 titled The Power of Forgiveness, where someone began to talk about forgiveness for Sexual betrayal. I have recently been served divorce papers from my wife of 30 years, and found that she has been 'going out' with her boss (who was also a ‘friend’ of mine) for the past three years. We had three children together (two are grown, one is 13). I have been caretaker for many years of an alcoholic wife who joined AA, and attended daily AA meetings with her boss. I am currently caring for my 13 year old son on a half time basis.
I probably don’t have to tell you all the emotional trauma that this has caused me. The hurt has manifested itself as a sick feeling… an actual feeling of sickness with an actual physical hurt in my heart. This hurt is constant, and won’t dissipate. I also hate her boyfriend, but mostly I am hurt very much by her betrayal. What can I do? For the first time in 30 years, I don’t know how to get through this. Suicide seems like a welcome alternative, but alternative to what? I am not sure. I feel that some level of forgievness may be able to help, but I am having trouble finding any forgiveness in my heart. Can anyone advise me?”
Thank you.
?????????????

First let me tell you that there is no easy or semantics answer to your dilemma. Second, the feelings that you are experiencing are “normal” under your current circumstances.

Forgiveness under such conditions will not happen instantly or come about if an apology is rendered by your wife and or her boyfriend. Even if your wife realized she made a mistake and wanted to reconcile with you and you agreed to forgive her and to start the relationship over you would still feel betrayed, angry, hurt, and unforgiving deep in your heart. Fact is the more intense pain the longer the wound takes to heal.

You cannot “undue” years of trust in one act of forgiveness, but it is a start. Whether you take your wife back or not at some point and time in the future you will have to forgive what she has done to free yourself from the pain. The longer you hold onto the hurt and pain the longer your wife’s holds power over you by keeping you bound in “anger, emotional distress, and distrust for others in future relationships.

No one can put a time limit on when you forgive, however a good gauge is when you know that it is over between the two of you and you hope and look to the future for yourself. Letting the anger, hurt, and feelings of betrayal go is the beginning of your healing. No one can tell you what to do as far as rebuilding your relationship with your wife that is a personal decision between you, God and her.

Frankly, sounds like you have sacrificed enough of your life trying to assist her in having a better life and she failed you miserably, so carefully consider that before committing yourself to her again. There is no doubt her act along with her boss’s actions were a despicable thing to do, but for your sake I hope her leaving you brings you a better woman in the future because it sounds like you has a lot to offer someone in a relationship.

Sounds like your wife has been very selfish and unappreciative about your support regarding her problems. She has taken enough of your life……now it is time to think about “you.” I wish you the best; you will be in my thoughts and will my prayers.

I am, as I write this watching a show on C-Span2 titled The Power of Forgiveness, where someone began to talk about forgiveness for Sexual betrayal. I have recently been served divorce papers from my wife of 30 years, and found that she has been 'going out' with her boss (who was also a ‘friend’ of mine) for the past three years. We had three children together (two are grown, one is 13). I have been caretaker for many years of an alcoholic wife who joined AA, and attended daily AA meetings with her boss. I am currently caring for my 13 year old son on a half time basis.

I probably don’t have to tell you all the emotional trauma that this has caused me. The hurt has manifested itself as a sick feeling… an actual feeling of sickness with an actual physical hurt in my heart. This hurt is constant, and won’t dissipate. I also hate her boyfriend, but mostly I am hurt very much by her betrayal. What can I do? For the first time in 30 years, I don’t know how to get through this. Suicide seems like a welcome alternative, but alternative to what? I am not sure. I feel that some level of forgievness may be able to help, but I am having trouble finding any forgiveness in my heart. Can anyone advise me?

Thank you.

Note for Sally Quinn:
There is a perpetrator, a victim, and the costly act. Silda "knows", but she has chosen the way of forgiveness by standing next to her husband thus shouting to the world that her husband is not alone in the human condition called sin. Her example of standing is a first step on the long road to reconciliation, if it is possible.

To WOUNDED TO AND Oluwadahunsi:

Thank you so much for your encouragement. This is such a everyday prayer request for me to allow God to heal this situation. The person is not a Christian but someone who believes (in their own eyes) that they are righteous. I can't go to much into this but I have to take ownership of alot of this as I made the mistake of trying to go back to something that didn't work for me prior and then became born again and of course, being a Christian, God's truth is written on your heart and when you do something that go against it, you mourn your sin. However, this situation has given birth to a 2-month old child which has been a blessing but this person got married right after they found out about and refuses to even talk to me. It's alot more that has transpired and again I can't go into it. I know without a doubt that I said some things that I shouldn't have and have asked for forgiveness and again, each day I have to ask God for the strength in my obedience to do His will not mine, forgive. It's not easy. Also, in the spirit of truth, we all know that there are so many people who have false doctrine and don't understand that we are called to live a holy life and pray for salvation for those who live in religion not faith.

Today, I no longer will care or worry about my past pain. As I have found a new start, to let go of what I cannot change. As scripture says,

....."And this to shall pass"

This man is like a mule that cannot be reasoned with, logically think, or knows no fairness, equity, or personal responsibility.

His heart is cold, harden, and unyielding to anything. He does not know how to love or receive love but only on his terms.

I wish him the best in his life.
I wish to be free of him.
I will not miss what I never really had.
He has determined this path

Anonymous, Original sin of Adam and Eve is very different from trespasses against each other, though in truth all trespasses are against God if they violate His commandments. Christ's redemptive death and resurrection were not for God's benefit but for man's. To get more understanding of this, I suggest you read about the gospel of grace.

In Christianity, we are taught that God forgives us our trespasses as we forgive each other's. But the obligations of the victim and his trespasser are not co-dependent but independent. We are to forgive others their trespasses unconditionally and the benefits are as I indicated in my previous post, and even more. Yes, the trespasser is supposed to repent and ask forgiveness of both God and his victim. However if he doesn't, this does not in any way relieve the victim of his obligation to forgive. In not repenting and asking forgiveness, the trespasser will have to answer to God.

Soja John Thaikattil, Sydney, Australia:

What a beautiful sentiment. Have have all Australians apologized? Does it go beyond apology, some kind of "penance" to go along with the sorrow for the sin? Maybe a few pieces of silver for each Aboriginal person?

Have all Aboriginals indicated they accept the apology and forgive? What happens to any Aboriginal that says, "I want reparations and won't forgive until I get them"? Anything besides go $#@@ yourself?

There may be a few assumptions being made about all that forgiveness? You can only be sure if God does the forgiving. But what's God's part in it? Aren't only those who are offended capable of forgiving. Can a third party, God even tell you you're forgiven without forgiveness from the offended? Is that legitimate?

Then there's that nagging Hoax Buster saying the God we're asking to forgive what we've done to others is really the Devil that caused us to do those things in the first place. Forgive and forget sounds easy but it's far from easy. Even a great leader like Mr Bush has great difficulty getting everyone to forgive. His vice president has been known to tell those who ruffle his feathers to, "go #$@@ yourself." And he's such a God fearing righteous man.

Beware of third party forgivers. They will lead you to hell while insisting that your sins are forgiven. There is but one deadly sin, calling Devil God.

“I can't go into this much but I do know this there are some who have seared and hardened hearts and there conscience doesn't ring out when they do things that are evil. I do believe that insecurity hides itself though pride as most want to please others and not ask for forgiveness as some believe it's a sign of weakness which doesn't allow your character to be refined and allow God to use you for His glory not ours...I can honestly say: I became angry as I couldn't understand how someone could be so mean. But I choose to believe God and bless those who use, persecute, mock me and pray for their salvation and allow God to heal their and my spirit. I have to be real w/myself or my inner being would never heal and I would be no use for the Kingdom.”

If this person is a Christian a state of having a seared and hardened heart can not be determined w/o God revealing it to you, you can not determine this on your own. What you re describing is a backslidden Christian w/o the chance of being recovered, such as King Saul in the Old Testament. Let me caution you, tenderly not to use this term to describe a Christian lightly, again because only God can determine that state of a Christian because it is a matter of the heart and he will reveal it to you if you pray about it.

Just having meanness does not justify a “seared and hardened heart” condition. If you don’t mind me asking what constitutes asking for forgiveness to you?

I am going through a similar situation. I loved a man, I say loved because of all the awful things he has done I pretty much despise him now. I finally had enough and retaliated and became the very thing that he was doing to me, but not as in-depth. From the repeated insults upon insults on top of injuries that I didn’t even have time to heal from he would group his friend together against me so the insult injuries became manifold Ironically, all along I kept giving him red flags and voicing my concerns with the way he was treating me. But instead of responding to what I was telling him regarding how he was hurting me, belittling and demeaning me he only saw his pain from my retaliation.

It has become a no win situation with bitterness on both sides unyielding to forgive. One major point this guy has not once acknowledged his wrong, confessed it to me, and ask me to forgive him. He has invaded my privacy, sent people out in public places to discredit me, sent viruses to my computer, called me names, hates my Christianity and love for God because it conflicts with his spiritual belief, and divulged very personal intimate details about our lovemaking to a groups of his friends that I have found integrated in post on several different blog pages that we both post comments on He also has stolen my personal information and tracks and reads my e-mail. He has been into my apt. when I am not home w/o my permission and gone through personal belongings, which none of these things I have done to him.

Ironically, at the beginning when all this started several months ago I poured my heart and soul out to him about my love for him and was continually criticized by him and his friends and not once did he stand up for me. This happened between May and Oct. 07, by Thanksgiving I had had enough and as unfortunate as it is I have a deep dislike for him now. Can understand why I am finding it hard to heal from my pain as well?

Sometimes you have to let go and let God handle the person. While they do cause us great pain in the interim hopefully God will touch their heart and healing and forgiveness will prevail. I believe that nothing is too hard for God.

In Christ……..

Reflection can reveal many things,

Thank you for your response. I have examined this as much as I can and have sought God's truth and have also been counseled about this w/my pastor and my friends in Christ. I can't go into this much but I do know this there are some who have seared and hardened hearts and there conscience doesn't ring out when they do things that are evil. I do believe that insecurity hides itself though pride as most want to please others and not ask for forgiveness as some believe it's a sign of weakness which doesn't allow your character to be refined and allow God to use you for His glory not ours...I can honestly say: I became angry as I couldn't understand how someone could be so mean. But I choose to believe God and bless those who use, persecute, mock me and pray for their salvation and allow God to heal their and my spirit. I have to be real w/myself or my inner being would never heal and I would be no use for the Kingdom.

In Christ...

AFS, It does depend on how you "cry out and try to witness to them"," that determines how they will respond to you and also if you have done any ill will against them. Pure evil people, and there are some, are the only ones that fail to listen to someone that they hurt w/o trying to recompense.

But if you have wounded this individual then expect them not to be so willing to listen to you if they feel “justified” with returning the same type of dishonor that you put them through.

Maybe the incidences were different but it yielded the same level of hurt and harm to them through your actions. I would examine this aspect first before judging them as "unrepentful." Matters of the heart are very often misjudged and misunderstood by another person.

No doubt about it, forgiveness only comes via the supernatural. Atheists don't have the capacity to forgive because they don't believe in supernatural beings for example. We know they're wrong, twice, there are supernatural beings and through their love we can both forgive and be forgiven.

Now that we've settled that let's look a little deeper into forgiveness, supernatural being inspired and operated types, (atheists will insist they also forgive even though we know better -no God no forgiveness). We know there are both good and bad supernatural beings that can occupy our minds at any time. Bad ones cause us to need forgiveness no doubt.

It's makes little sense that bad supernatural beings better known as devils would assist us in the "get forgiven" arena. However, it has been brought to my attention that the Bible is a poor source of good supernatural beings, both God and angels as they're commonly known.

http://www.hoax-buster.org/sellyoursoul is a reading of the Bible that clearly says Moses sold his soul to a supernatural being that was on fire, (is God on fire?) in his effort to gain the highest post ever for a human, leader of the chosen people of God. Since we look to God for both forgiveness and help to forgive maybe we should be sure it's God doing the forgiving first?

Devil will certainly lie and trick us into thinking we're forgiven just so He can get us there in hell with Him. There is but one deadly sin, blasphemy, calling Devil God, (anyone who says I am God that isn't God is a Devil). We must realize that God will take a dim view of us using the Bible as a source of IT's word when clearly the Bible is the story of how Lucifer rescued a murderer on the run from the law, Moses from a life of deprivation and catapulted him into the highest office ever.

Sure thing. "You're forgiven" says Lucifer. But can Devil actually forgive or only lie to us?

Janice,

But if your "light giver" does not need to be shown what he is, then he would have the ability to "forgive" without having to be asked to do so. If he "gave" the "light" without waiting for those in the "dark" to ask for it, then perhaps there wouldn't be so many in need of "forgiveness".

Understand that we are unable to forgive until we KNOW who we are. Once we KNOW who we are, we KNOW that we are all cut from the same cloth and KNOW that given the same history, experience and circumstances we would behave in exactly the same way and this understanding gives us the ability to forgive. Knowledge and understanding are brought by the light giver. Until we receive the light, we stumble around in the dark and cannot forgive. The challenge therefore remains in following the light giver.....IHS

Oluwadahunsi:
**Forgiveness has nothing to do with the remorse or apology of the offender.**

Then why, according to your book, is the "sinner" required to recognize his sin and ask God for forgiveness? If God won't forgive without the remorse of the offender, why should he expect humanity to?

**It relieves the injured party of the burden of anger, resentment, etc. More than just a virtue, it is a practical tool for healing and moving on.**

According to that logic, it would have been best for both God and humanity if God had simply forgiven humanity for the "fall" without Jesus being sacrificed.

I have to admit, I never thought that I was an unforgiving person but something horrible which happened to me last year made me comes to terms with evil, hypocrisy and outright cruelty. What's the most difficult is when someone who has no remorse or doesn't have the faintest understanding of how God sees it. You cry out and try to witness to them and they are unrepentful. Also, what truly grieves my spirit is when people who profess to be Christians rationalize or condone wicked behavior and believe we're all saved by grace. That is a true statement but we are saved by grace though faith and as Jesus says: My sheep hear my voice and they follow me and I give unto them eternal life, if you love me, you would obey me (His commandments). It's not easy but each day I have to ask the Lord for strength and keep it at the foot of the cross where it belongs. Mark 11:25: if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

ONLY THROUGH DO I HAVE THE POWER TO FORGIVE.

I'm with Lepi here. I'm not remotely sure what forgiveness is or means. Will I ever forgive the government of my country for putting me in maximum security prison because I was an atheist? No, I will not. There are still too many daily reminders even after 39 years. Am I still angry? No, not really. Have I moved on and had a good life? Yes. Do I still live in the U.S.? Yes, for the moment anyway. BUT, do I forgive? Absolutely not.

HM, "Well-expressed, Mr Kenneth Briggs. In my experience, discussions of forgiveness elicit nervous squirming from my fellow christians. Most dismiss it at too idealistic and unachievable. Most simply want to change the subject. About the same as their attitude toward the command to Love Your Enemies. Why would this be?"
~~~~~~~~~~

So tell me how well do you forgive? How well do you love your enemies??

Be carful how you judge others with matters of the heart. Because by the same mite you judge others you will be judged by God.

You are very condescending regarding your Christian’s brothers and sisters, friend.

Well-expressed, Mr Kenneth Briggs. In my experience, discussions of forgiveness elicit nervous squirming from my fellow christians. Most dismiss it at too idealistic and unachievable. Most simply want to change the subject. About the same as their attitude toward the command to Love Your Enemies. Why would this be?

Do we even have a clear definition of what it means to forgive? Does it mean that the injured party does not seek legal redress of their injury? Does it mean that the guilty party cannot be held responsible for his/her actions?

My abusive ex-husband has never admitted to any wrongdoing, despite the fact that the night I finally left him, I was in fear for my life. Had I stayed, I have no doubt that I would be dead by now.

He still lives in the same city as me, but we no longer move in the same social circles, so I very seldom even see him, even in passing.

Do I seek revenge for the anguish he caused me? No.

Do I wish ill to befall him? No.

Would I run him over if he stepped in front of my car? No.

If we should run into each other in public, will I stop to chat, invite him over to my home to meet my husband and daughter? No.

Would I weep if I heard that he was dead? No.

Does that constitute forgiveness? I don't know. But it's the best I can do.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the remorse or apology of the offender. It relieves the injured party of the burden of anger, resentment, etc. More than just a virtue, it is a practical tool for healing and moving on. He or she who forgives must do so for his or her benefit. You sleep so much better and live so much better. That Jesus Christ mandates forgiveness is another proof of the wisdom of His teachings which is not apart from His love. Love thy neighbor as thyself is the wisest, most practical rule yet to be applied or this world would be paradise.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the remorse or apology of the offender. It relieves the injured party of the burden of anger, resentment, etc. More than just a virtue, it is a practical tool for healing and moving on. He or she who forgives must do so for his or her benefit. You sleep so much better and live so much better. That Jesus Christ mandates forgiveness is another proof of the wisdom of His teachings which is not apart from His love. Love thy neighbor as thyself is the wisest, most practical rule yet to be applied or this world would be paradise.

Dear Mr Briggs

When Australian PM, Kevin Rudd, offered an official apology, on behalf of the government (dare I say on behalf of all Australians?) to the Aboriginals for the pain caused them in the dark chapters of Australia's past, it was a historic moment. I felt so proud to be an Australian, and to be here at a time, as an Australian citizen, when such history was made. Now it is up to the Aboriginals to offer full forgiveness, to let go of the past and work towards a future together with all who now make Australia what it is, who contribute to Australia as it will be, without forgetting to be grateful for all the good that was done in the past to bring Australia to where it is today. We have now truly become one nation. Apology and forgiveness opened the doors.

Apology and forgiveness must go hand in hand for the best possible outcome, for a really new beginning. Professor Aaron Lazare's book, 'Apology' is a gem.

Forgiving those who have not apologized to us, who do not even feel sorry for what they have done, who rationalize the wrong etc, is the real challenge. You point out rightly that only forgiveness can set us free. Even knowing that the harm done to us will leave a lasting scar even after it has healed, we must strive to forgive. The need to forgive is mandated in the Lord's Prayer.

Thank you for bringing up this extremely important topic during the Easter season. On a personal note, it gives me an opportunity to reflect on my own un/willingness and in/ability to forgive and to ask God's strength to forgive others as He forgives me.

Soja John Thaikattil
Sydney, Australia