After Justin’s death, I intensely wanted to die. If I didn’t have my grandkids, I would have killed myself. My remaining two sons had no power at all to make me think twice about it. Neither did my boyfriend, or my relatives or friends.
But my sweet little granddaughters made me understand that I could not do something so selfish. I could not deliberately take my life. That would be unconscionable. The innocents who need me would be permanently scarred.
Still, I fervently wished for my death. I passionately prayed for a heart attack or stroke. My sons would get my life insurance proceeds, and everyone would get over me. And I would be with Justin.
I just wanted to be with Justin.
And then I began to intuit that I should see a medium. Those people the dead speak through. I felt absolutely driven.
Now I know that Justin was leading me there.
Justin’s friend told me that psychics approached him who didn’t know Justin was dead, who said they were dreaming of a young handsome guy, blond with intense blue eyes, who was trying to speak to them.
A woman who lives near my son Adam went running to his house after leaving a “Psychic Fair.” She declared that a psychic there had grabbed her and said, “You have a neighbor named Adam, and he’s just had a big loss.”
Justin’s friend and I went online to locate reputable mediums. We learned of Bob Olson, a private investigator who exposes the phonies and recommends the trustworthy. Through Bob, we discovered a very well-regarded medium in New York.
We saw Glenn Klausner on Sept. 5. And this I declare, on my granddaughters' souls: in just one hour with that medium (and Justin!!!), I went from desperately wanting to die---for months--- to wanting to live again.
And I still want to live.
Glenn taped the session, and gave me the tape.
It was the most transformational experience of my life. Now I know the dead don’t leave us. They’re here all the time. They adore us and help us. We just can’t usually see them.
From books on the subject of afterlife encounters, I’m learning that crossed-over people unanimously convey these truths: It’s much better where they are. They now have a lot of peace. Hell is on Earth and nowhere else. They’re closer to us than ever. They have a lot of soul work to do where they are. They work at it while they help us. We will be with them whenever we cross. Our lives here are just a big test.
My religious upbringing was mixed Protestant. It was mixed because, after my mother died when I was six, various people raised me. I went to a Presbyterian Sunday School, and also Christian Science.
Then one relative exposed me to Unitarian-Universalism. That was great. Patriarchal religious dogmatism had never taken hold with me, not even when I was a needy and impressionable child. I I felt that the open U-U view was much closer to the truth.
When in my teens and early twenties, I studied the basic tenets of Buddhism. I was thrilled!
And lately I've been learning a lot about the first true world religion, primordial, matriarchal, erotic Goddess worship.
I was always open to afterlife encounters. (I lost my mother at six and my father at 21; how could I not be? I really had no choice.) At 20 I attended a Spiritualist Church meeting. A medium was tuning into the spirits behind every person there. It was amazing. It opened me up, at a very young age, to that reality. Little did I know how much I'd need it, decades later on...
I lost my mother as a small child, and now I've lost my child as a mother. I don't think a lot of people experience all that. At first it felt like an unbearably cruel cosmic joke. I thought, now I should commit suicide. I thought, that's what's EXPECTED of me. Death has defined my whole existence; shouldn't I give in to Death, now?
And then, as I've told you, I realized I couldn't do that. For myself, absolutely; nothing would be sweeter. But for others, no no no, you can't do that to them.
Then I knew I'd either die from all this, or learn to be very strong. Nietzsche said there can be no middle ground, no gray area. Either die, or get emotionally as sturdy as an ox.
Afterlife encounters will give you that strength.
The authors declare that afterlife encounters are the greatest comfort from grief. How true. I’m surely a case in point. They state that even the skeptical grief counselors are starting to concede it.
I was dying inside. Now I’m not.
And I’ve just had a visit from Justin.
Dawn has been called a mystical time. Now I know that's true. I was in that shallow sleep state, unconscious but close to awake...and then suddenly, there he was. He was laying right beneath me as if he were on his bed, and as if I were leaning over him. I only saw his face and his torso, but that was more than enough; it was what you see of someone when you hug.
His expression was like a new baby's, a baby who has just learned to smile. And yet he was a man, he was Justin. And I could see the love of a son who of course is no longer a baby, but he's somewhere that's made him as glowing as a baby who has just had a good night's sleep. I saw innocence and wisdom and joy and peace. It made him look so...angelic. Now I know what people are looking for in drugs, alcohol, sex.
Justin has most definitely found it.
And I saw just a little bit of mirth in his eyes, too. When he said "Hi, Mom," it was like, yeah it's really me, no you're not dreaming this.
I said, "My beautiful, beautiful baby boy." I don't know why I said "baby"; he certainly wasn't being Justin as a baby. But he is my baby, of course. And when we hugged we melted into each other, and I felt him go through me like a beautiful song.
I woke up feeling wonderful. I felt wonderful and peaceful all day.
