Apology as a Moral Imperative

In Jewish practice, Yom Kippur is referred to as the Day of Atonement. At this time and together with a community in a synagogue, each person repents for transgressions committed against God in order to achieve atonement. For transgressions committed against another person, however, atonement occurs only if he/she repents (makes an apology) to the offended person and asks for pardon or forgiveness. The offended party, in return, should then offer forgiveness and not hold a grudge.

There is a parallel message in the New Testament, Matthew 5:23-24, “So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there for the altar and go; first to be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift."

Since I am not a rabbi but a psychiatrist who has studied the apology process for 15 years, I will attempt to elaborate on the apology process between two individuals or groups.

Each apology is a unique event since each individual and each offense is unique in its own way. Still, there are some general principles about apology which are useful. First, there are usually three parts to an apology: an acknowledgment of the offense, an expression of remorse, and reparations when applicable. The most common failure of an apology, which makes the effort a non-apology, is the failure to properly acknowledge the offense. We may state the offense in vague terms so it is not clear to what we are admitting, we may use the passive voice thereby avoiding saying what we did, we may preface the offense with “alleged” or “if, we may say “we are sorry” but not say what we are sorry about, we may minimize the offense, and on and on and on. Without some communication of shame, remorse, and forbearance, the apology will not seem real. Finally, reparations when appropriate must be offered.

The commonly used statement, “If I have offended you, I apologize,” is totally inappropriate as an apology. It is better to ask in an inviting manner, “have I offended you?” If the person receiving the remark seems equivocal, assume there is an offense. Then say, “I really want to know what I did.”

Each offended person has specific needs which allow healing to occur and therefore enable him/her to forgive. Some of the common needs that I have observed include: the restoration of dignity, feeling cared for, validation that the offense occurred, designation of fault, a promise for the future, appropriate reparations, the opportunity to enter into a dialogue and verbalize his/her feelings. If you listen carefully, you will learn what is bothering the other person and what are his/her emotional needs.

It is difficult for most people to apologize. One commonly fears that making an apology will result in being shamed and punished by the other. Yet, we bear a sense of shame and guilt when we fail to apologize. So there are risks when we apologize and when we fail to apologize. But offering an effective apology, one that is honest and complete is a moral act and therefore worth the risk. It is an act of honesty, generosity, humility, commitment, and courage.

Dr. Aaron Lazare, the author of the 2004 book "On Apology," has served as chancellor and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School (UMMS) since 1991. He stepped down last month to attend to his personal health. He plans to continue to serve as the Celia and Isaac Haidak Professor in Medical Education and professor of psychiatry at UMMS.

By Aaron Lazare |  September 21, 2007; 1:43 PM ET
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