Aaron Lazare -
In Jewish practice, Yom Kippur is referred to as the Day of Atonement. At this time and together with a community in a synagogue, each person repents for transgressions committed against God in order to achieve atonement. For transgressions committed against another person, however, atonement occurs only if he/she repents (makes an apology) to the offended person and asks for pardon or forgiveness. The offended party, in return, should then offer forgiveness and not hold a grudge.
There is a parallel message in the New Testament, Matthew 5:23-24, “So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there for the altar and go; first to be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift."
Since I am not a rabbi but a psychiatrist who has studied the apology process for 15 years, I will attempt to elaborate on the apology process between two individuals or groups.
Each apology is a unique event since each individual and each offense is unique in its own way. Still, there are some general principles about apology which are useful. First, there are usually three parts to an apology: an acknowledgment of the offense, an expression of remorse, and reparations when applicable. The most common failure of an apology, which makes the effort a non-apology, is the failure to properly acknowledge the offense. We may state the offense in vague terms so it is not clear to what we are admitting, we may use the passive voice thereby avoiding saying what we did, we may preface the offense with “alleged” or “if, we may say “we are sorry” but not say what we are sorry about, we may minimize the offense, and on and on and on. Without some communication of shame, remorse, and forbearance, the apology will not seem real. Finally, reparations when appropriate must be offered.
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