My first day of college was September 12, 2001. The day before, I sat shoulder to shoulder with relative strangers watching those horrific images on the only TV in our dorm with cable. One of them lent me a cell phone to call home.
Then the debates began and continued over the course of four years against an evolving backdrop of social, political, and religious issues. The Iraq war, legalization of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts, and finally a bitter Presidential election offered ample opportunity for discussion: in the classroom, dining hall, and between friends late at night.
Questions were everywhere: Painful. Personal. The normal process of self-discovery which often happens in college was suddenly imbued with a sense of urgency.
Those events and discussions jolted me out of a spiritual adolescence.
I turned to my faith for comfort. Oddly enough the same faith which had given me assurance was no long satisfying. I feared the unknowns in a rapidly changing world, including my evolving faith. I feared both doubt and the changes it might bring.
The desire for a secure foundation in an insecure world was strong. It was tempting to give in to the gratification of an easy answer and avoid the frustrating uncertainty that comes with asking real questions of yourself.
Yet how can any of us truly know what we believe until what we believe has been challenged? When I embraced doubt instead of fearing its effects I found a greater understanding of my own beliefs. I did not casually discard long held convictions but was able to evaluate them in a new light. To move through the discomfort into a deeper, more meaningful faith life. I became more confident in that faith.
This confidence in both doubt and conviction was the real change, for me, wrought by the events swirling around those years. Even more significant than the differences in my actual beliefs was my new attitude toward questioning.
Now, after the tumult of college, I find myself actively seeking experiences and individuals who can stimulate such a challenge amidst the routine of everyday life. My faith grows.
Questioning, then and now, is not easy. C.S. Lewis makes this point with his typical wry wit in Mere Christianity:
"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth- only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair."
I prefer the vibrant faith life to the soft soap.
Erin White grew up on the Northeast coast of Florida. She recently graduated from Harvard University and received a Master's degree with honors from the London School of Economics. She is passionate about the subject of faith, and particularly the role of faith in American public life. She currently lives and works in the Washington D.C. area.
