Whenever I become disillusioned with God, it's only a matter of time before I discover the inconvenient reality; that I'm actually disillusioned with myself. Which leads, of course, to the inevitable question: How can I possibly manage to confuse the two? Lately, I've come to the end of me. I can't write, my impossible homework load piles up as I procrastinate, and sleep deprivation and stress begin to take their toll on my physical health. This is life, but not the life infused with joy and freedom that I ought to be living.
It took the firm but gentle voice of a friend the other day to make me realize just how wrong I had things--once again. This year has been a story of my hard work and conquests as I strive to fulfill my "calling." Finding the right summer internship, getting published, editing stories, maintaining my GPA--I've snatched up every opportunity that has drifted my way and asked God to bless my endeavors. My faith and love of God has been the mortar holding together all my plans and efforts as I try to construct a promising future for myself.
Doesn't seem so bad, right? But, as my friend made me admit, it completely misses the point. If God had called me to a career or even a "ministry"--whatever that might be--I would rightly be miserable now for finding myself incapable of advancing another step, for losing interest in my work and succumbing to weakness and exhaustion.
But He didn't.
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:38 (ESV)
That, I now realize, in all its childish simplicity, is my calling. It would be much easier for me to pursue the career than to try to live up to that. But once again, I've discovered how I let myself and my foolishness get in the way of the God I serve and love.
It's easy to set everything neatly in writing, but not to live it. Pray for me.
Recent Comments