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Interfaith vs. Inter-species Marriage
I have always had a thing for the dorky types: undiscovered hunks hiding beneath glasses and philosophy texts. I felt like a secret investigator, constantly on the lookout for a guy with an opinion on the nature of reality –and great facial structure. So when I found him one night, a copy of Marcus Aurelius in his pocket and a smirk on his charming face, I was instantly smitten.
Three years have passed and as it turns, he is The One. I knew I wanted to marry someone tall, dark and handsome, but as fate shall have it, I get to add another adjective to that list: He is tall, dark, handsome and Catholic.
Like many matriarchs throughout the ages, both of my grandmothers prayed for me to meet a nice Catholic young man. I considered it a kind gesture, but thought that restricting myself to dating Catholic guys might be pushing my romantic luck. In an attempt to increase the odds, I chose to attend a Jesuit university, which is close enough to Catholic. (Just kidding, St. Ignatius!) Then, of course, I met a guy who went to another school.
Early on, Danielle Kolker and her husband, Donald Viscardi, a self-described Christmas fanatic, negotiated detailed rules about holiday decorating.“What can be seen from outside has to be completely 50-50,” Ms. Kolker said of their house in Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn. “If there are Christmas lights up, there have to be Hanukkah lights up too. I don’t want it to look outwardly like we’re more one than the other.”
A fair enough arrangement by Kolker, but one that I thankfully will not have to deal with. Decorating disputes aside, I have found that it is profoundly valuable to be able to speak a common religious language within a relationship. I am not marrying him because he is Catholic, but because he was raised Catholic, we share a common worldview that allows us to grow together. Our four Catholic grandmothers are so proud.
A shared religion is our saving grace, for while some couples have interfaith marriages, we will have somewhat of an inter-species marriage. He is a mountain man at home under the stars, I am a house cat, one with Drudge Report and hazelnut coffee. He checks hiking books out of the library; I apply makeup while camping. He likes to have adventures that bring him to the brink of death; I like to read theological reflections on the afterlife.
A match made in heaven.
By
Elizabeth Tenety
|
December 7, 2007; 12:49 AM ET
| Category:
Campus Catholic
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Posted by: Anonymous | December 16, 2007 8:57 AM
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One of the many issues between my ex-husband and me was that of religion. When we began dating, I did not attend any church, and didn't really feel the need for one. I started attending his Methodist church with him to make him happy, but didn't really feel at home there, seeing as how I didn't believe in the resurrection of Jesus. It was important to him that we attend a church together (although I saw no point to it, since only one of us got any meaning from the services), and when we happened to attend a Jazz service at a local UU church, I felt that I had found a church I could live with. I told him that I wanted to check into the UU's more (at the time, I knew nothing about them), and that it might be a church I could be comfortable joining - it just felt good there. He insisted that he could only be at home in a Methodist church. I asked him again why it was so crucial to him that we attend the same church, and while I never could get a precise answer from him, it became increasingly clear that he was out to reverse my apostate Christian status. Needless to say, I resented his attitude. I began attending the UU church without him, and about a month later, officially joined. He was furious and we almost broke up over it. In retrospect, I wish we had. Instead, he joined as well "for the sake of unity," all the while letting me know just what a sacrifice he was making. From that time on, he referred to attending services there as "playing church." I told him AGAIN that if he wanted to join a more mainstream Christian church, I had no objection - that he needed to be in a place that fed his soul, I needed to be in a place that fed mine, and that we had very different spiritual dietary preferences. A few years later, as my Pagan beleifs began to crystallize in my mind, he became increaingly agitated, and would become very angry if I told someone that I wasn't Christian. On top of that, he wanted me to pretend to be Christian in order to please his mother, and I refused. Religion became a very sore subject in our house.
When my current husband and I began dating, religion was one of the first topics that came up. By the time he came into my life, I was a full-blown Pagan, and had my own path and practices pretty well established. I made it clear when we first started dating that I had a faith that suited my spiritual needs, and that I was not interested in converting for the sake of a relationship.
He isn't Christian either, and while there are some elements of our beliefs that we share, there are others where we are diametrically opposed. And IT'S ALL GOOD!
When our paths merge, we walk hand in hand. When they cross, we wave hello. When they diverge, we blow a kiss au revoir, and give each other space and solitude. I still attend the UU church at times, and when there is a special service or sermon topic that he in interested in, he comes with me. He also comes when I play with the hand bell choir there. I also gather with Pagan friends at times, as well as keeping my personal devotional practices. He doesn't participate in my personla rituals, but he also takes care not to interrupt me during them. He doesn't come with me to Pagan gatherings, but he also welcomes my Pagan friends when they come to our home. When I cook a meal, I set aside a serving for him to offer to the spirits of his ancestors. I go to the dojo with him once a month, and I have learned to give Light - the practice fits in with my own beliefs, even though all of his theology does not. Not long ago, we were watching something on the History channel about the Vikings and the narrator described some of their more extreme practices using the word Pagan. My husband looked at me and said "You're Pagan and you don't believe that." I explained to him that Pagan was a very broad umbrella term that covered a lot of paths, and that a lot of folks don't really use it properly. We had quite a lively conversation as a result, and he learned a lot about Paganism in general, and about the Pagan he married in particular.
Interfaith marriages can be wonderful if you use your differences as opportunities to learn instead of as flashpoints for conflict.
Posted by: lepidopteryx | December 11, 2007 10:43 AM
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A little off topic, but if we are god as much as god is us, what then is Faith? Seems to me true faith - having grace - is the absence of the need for faith. Faith is only relevant to those who think god is Other than them. If one believes all the gods are in them, that we are all Christ, all Buddha, all gods, all divine, then Faith is unnecessary as the mystery of life lies within, not a sacrament given from without.
Remember, Aquinas died thinking his life's work was worthless because he had that epiphany that all the mysteries lie within, not given from a church. Oops. At least he woke from literalism before his end. Not a complete waste of life, I guess.
I am Christ, I am Jason of the Argonauts, I am Odysseus, I am all the stories that have been told and yet to be told. Why then do you need Faith?
Posted by: Tim Kamer | December 9, 2007 8:26 PM
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Elizabeth,
Good luck and happiness to you both.
My wife and I have always been compatible in our shared religious disbelief and dislike of organized religion, particularly when it tries to involve itself in politics and government.
We wrote our own wedding vows where we promised to stay together as long as we felt like it.
A Catholic politico remarked after the ceremony:
"That's not how they do it in Barre." [referring to the largely Catholic, blue-collar city in central Vermont.]
This all happened 34 years ago and we've continue to observe our vows together.
Yesterday we learned that Mitt Romney thinks that my wife and I, and our children, don't qualify as good Americans because we don't believe in "God".
We can't wait till Mitt takes a leaf from FDR's playbook for the Japanese-Americans and starts building stockades for us.
No doubt the rooms there [like those at Marriott hotels] will be fully equipped with copies of the Book of Mormon.
It will really be nice if Moroni comes to visit us and gives us some golden plates.
Posted by: Norrie Hoyt | December 8, 2007 3:42 PM
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HARK Humates of America!:
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VOTE:
'NO' to News-Papers Company's owning {your Kids minds future & yours too] against them owning T.V Stations & Satellite Station!
'NO' to News Paper Company's! No Broad Casting! No!
Take Back your almost Hijacked Nation! Take back Sweet sweet America! Now!