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Old-School Dating
A few weeks ago I went to Montreal, where I met up with a friend of mine who grew up in a very religious family, although she herself is modern Orthodox. She was telling me that she recently went on a shidduch date.
A shidduch date is set up by a Jewish matchmaker with the aim of marriage; this kind of dating is not done casually, but is serious business. The guy came in to see my friend from another city, and had been set up with her a year and a half after she initially saw the matchmaker because it was the first man of comparable religiosity that she found for my friend.
The date didn’t go well, but I still can’t help thinking that maybe there is something to this old school style of up front and pragmatic dating.
First of all, many Jewish people put a very heavy emphasis on only dating Jews but that broad qualification belies the wide range of the Jewishness spectrum. There aren’t that many Jews in the world, but there are many different types of Jews. Finding in the relatively tiny worldwide Jewish population someone with compatible religiosity can be difficult.
When people think about Orthodox dating, they think of shmirat negiyah, or “guarding the touch,” the practice of not touching members of the opposite sex. In a modern world, many find it shocking that young people can date and agree to marry without even holding hands, let alone kissing or sleeping together. I think that the more meaningful aspect of this practice and of Orthodox dating in general is the minimal amount of heartbreak and drama involved. When you are not touching the person you date, there is no rushed intimacy or elevation of the physical within the relationship. And when you are meeting expressly to find out if a person is the right marriage partner for you, there are no mismatched expectations or dilly-dallying for long periods of time before realizing that the person you are with isn’t the person you want to marry.
I do not follow these dating precepts. I don’t plan on going to a matchmaker, I touch boys, I don’t focus exclusively on marriage prospects, and probably as a result, I am have had some emotional dramas. I love “Sex and the City,” and its angsty, uncertain, noncommitting, man-touching, scarred, and emotional women; indeed, I have grown up bracing myself for this sort of adult dating life. Several young Jewish couples at my school got engaged recently; someone asked me in jest, “Shari, when are you going to get engaged?”
“I’ll be lucky if it’s within the decade,” I said, only half-kidding. I grew up around many single Jewish women – I know what it’s like.
I realize there is a certain practicality in dating lots of men and trying them out to figure out what you like and gain experience before finding “the one.” But I think that maybe the Orthodox have it partially right. It certainly is hard to feel pain and heartbreak when religiosity is matched, expectations are clear and boundaries are set.
By
Shari Rabin
|
December 3, 2007; 11:30 PM ET
| Category:
Chutzpah Chronicles
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Posted by: h. | June 2, 2008 4:47 PM
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in some ways, the Orthodox are lucky because they avoid the hassles of dating by utilizing shidduchim (matchmakers). on the other hand, marrying someone you barely know can be potentially awkward and in some instances can end in divorce if the two individuals are incompatible. the whole idea of dating is to meet people who share things like educational backgrounds, common interests, personalities, and (for many people) religious beliefs. you need to know someone before you marry them, otherwise you'll have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
there aren't too many Jews in the world. but there are many different types of Jews. however, finding someone who is not only religiously compatible but also compatible in other areas can be daunting as countless single Jews continue to face one failed date after another in search of a Jewish match. Jewish men are more likely to intermarry than Jewish women, so a shortage of available Jewish men poses an issue. the single women who only date Jews will most likely marry later in life should they even find a Jewish husband, while those who are more liberal with their dating choices will marry earlier even though their husbands might not be Jewish. and sadly, some might not marry at all. we are not alone in this. i recently read an article that describes the difficulties of Muslim women in the dating world. one of the reasons for this is because intermarriage is permitted in Islam but only for Muslim men. they are allowed to marry a Jewish or Christian woman. intermarriage, as we know, is discouraged in Judaism even though many people do it and if intermarriage occurs, it is obviously preferable if the Jewish partner is female so any children that result from the union will be considered Jewish.
while obviously sharing a religion makes things easier, it does not always guarantee happiness or success for a couple. i know a couple in my community who are calling it quits after 25 years of marriage. they are both Jewish and they fight constantly. they got married 2 months after meeting, but neither are Orthodox. they are a prime example that two people should not marry just because they share a religion.
as far as many Jews placing emphasis on dating other Jews is concerned, i find it's more the parents than the individuals themselves who put a great amount of emphasis on in-dating. many of my Jewish friends' parents are like this, and mine are as well. my parents and i both agree that it's important to be with someone who treats me well and can provide a good life for me. we differ on the Jewish part. it's not that i don't want to be with a Jewish guy; it's just that it's less of a concern to me than the first two traits, not to mention that i have yet to meet a Jewish guy that has things in common with me besides the obvious. my parents know they can't tell me what to do. they occasionally suggest using JDate or other Jewish singles sites, but they already know i probably won't use them. but i at least do them the favor of listening to their advice even if i don't always take it.