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Healing After Adultery
The names have changed: Gingrich, Livingston, Clinton, McGreevey, Vitter, Spitzer, Ensign, Sanford. The pain is almost always the same--like a knife, a relentless one, going into the heart of the betrayed spouse or partner over and over again. Some months ago, a young man, recently married, sat in my office and said, "I forgive my wife for cheating, but I cannot get that tape inside of my head to stop rewinding and playing again and again and again."
Statistics vary on adultery. Males are prone to exaggerate and females prone to underreport incidences of infidelity. In examining a broad range of statistics it is likely that up to sixty percent of men and forty percent of females will "cross the sex line" (to use a recently employed South Carolinian expression) during the course of a relationship.
The pain is incalculable all the way around. The betrayer and the betrayed as well as the third party involved along with children, parents and in-laws encompass a wide-ranging ripple of damage and destruction. How does one begin to go about forgiving what most likely will never be forgotten?
Recently one political figure caught in this web of pain and regret cited the example of King David who not only committed adultery but attempted the ultimate cover-up by having the husband of his pregnant mistress killed in battle. David was confronted by the court prophet Nathan in an unforgettable story recorded in the Second Book of Samuel (12:1-15). After Nathan levels a devastating indictment of King David, David offers no excuse; he simply admits his transgression with no rationalization or excuses." This is a helpful example for others.
What of the betrayed, however? How does one accomplish the seemingly impossible task of rebuilding a relationship based on trust and the promise or vow of fidelity? Here, playing the role of the truth teller can be the most helpful: How does this make me feel? What went wrong? How could you do it? What did you do? What were you looking for? How do we go on from here?
One could glibly cite Scripture, "Love endures all things," as we hear in the ubiquitous wedding reading (1 Corinthians 131-13). Is it reasonable, however, to endure all things? We can all think about the images of political figures caught in scandal at press conferences with their spouses standing by their sides. How do those spouses do it? What are they thinking? What words will be exchanged when the lights are dimmed and the podiums vacated? How will they be healed? That is the question: How will they be healed? Anyone?
By
Albert Scariato
|
July 14, 2009; 6:29 PM ET
| Category:
Faith and Healing
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Posted by: HumanSimpleton | July 17, 2009 2:23 AM
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I do not understand cheating. I'm an atheist, so there is no religious aspect to my life, but, until my wife died, I was married 37 years with no cheating. A commitment is a commitment.
Posted by: DMZ1 | July 16, 2009 2:14 PM
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Adultery is one of the two behaviors that my husband knows I consider an automatic deal-breaker. The other is violence. If he were to cheat on me or raise his hand to me, the first time would be the last. No second chances. I've been cheated on, I've been hit, and I ain't ever going to put up with either again.
The way I see it, if I can't trust him with something as simple and as basic as keeping his johnson in his jockeys, how can I trust him with more complex issues? Same goes the other way around - if he can't trust me to keep my knickers on, what CAN he trust me with?
Posted by: lepidopteryx | July 16, 2009 8:29 AM
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It's Just Wrong!
www.imetyourhusbandlastnight.com
Get divorced!
Posted by: theotherwoman | July 15, 2009 10:36 PM
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There is no healing after adultery. There is compromise. The cheated can make the compromise to live with the permanent memory, and the cheated simply lives with the consequence.
Marital fidelity is nothing more than a promise. Adultery is a broken promise. Don't attach any more to it because of the sex.
It is a religious person's cross to bear.