All Comments (21)

I'd suggest a read of the book, "Unprotected." Young people need more instruction in the morality of sexuality, not less as would be implied by most of the writers here. Out of wedlock pregnancy was not unheard of in my generation, but it was not that commonplace.

Now we have birth control pills, and the rate of illegitimacy, STD's, and children with no father have never been hire. Birth control pills did not make the transition to married adulthood easier. They have made it a shambles.

People like Ms. Freitas are no help at all. Young people need to be taught effective refusal skills while still maintaining relationships. Young people need to be taught that the desire doesn't demand follow-through on the feelings like so many of them believe.

It is no wonder that divorce is so prevalent in our society. If you haven't learned to say no to desire prior to marriage, how can you possibly say no to sexual temptations to those who are not one's spouse after marriage.

Call me old-fashioned. I don't care. People had something valuable in purity before marriage that our sexually-addicted society has thrown away and we are not better for it.

But if christian churches stop trying to control the sexual lives of their believers (1. God hates sex before marriage. 2. We have authority over marriage. 3. You can't have sex unless we approve.), what, besides the threat of eternal torture, can they hold over their heads?

For those not paying attention, Christianity does not treat women fairly. Christianity sets examples for womens unequal treatment. Priests are male, alter boys, etc.

Only Nichiren Buddhism to me observation, uses the example of a womens equality as the benchmark of the equality of all people and the beliefs they embrace.

In the Lotus Sutra, the Buddha describes the enlightenment of the eight year old dragon girl, indicating through simile that animals, women, men, and all life equally possess the buddhanature to achieve enlightenment in their present form; become happy.

Patrick

i think its very good that women are finally asserting themselves as moral and spiritual leaders as well as buniness and politically.... i was babtised as an adult by a woman preacher who worked for another woman preacher who became a bishop in her well know denomination. even the old testemant draws a clear difference between sex shared by unmarried people and sex with someone who has sworn a willing oath to forsake all others...proverbs 6:26....a prostitutes fee is a loaf of bread. but the wife of another stalks a mans very life... i assume in updated words that could be husband also, the point i think and please correct me if i am wrong... but it doesn't appear to say i would burn in hell for all eternity for sharing honest God given desires of the flesh with another consenting adult.. sex like money would seem to fall under the rule of the two masters and the eye of the needle. .. please correct me if i am in error but...if my spiritual life is more important than money or sex then i would seem to be following Gods rules. of coarse everyone has to decide for themselves what thier heart says 2 them.. the heart and concience that God gives them is saying 2 themselves... it really doesn't matter what others can or can't do so much as being true to ones own true beliefs. spiritual belief is a sometimes difficult thing to explain to another but if real... cannot... be extinguished by the wishes of others.A persons conduct should be honest and considerate of the other persons beliefss and situation... it would seem that
compartmentlizing or trying to have a split set of what i say and what i do would be the sin of lieing and the most painful choice to try to muddle through this sometimes baffleing thing we call living life... thank you for writing your article and causing me to think about how i really think...

I feel that Mrs. Freitas really hits on some good points here, and while there may be some flaws she attempts to clear some of the air. As she firsts mentions, it really is important for us to get our heads out of the TVs and back into reality. I feel that Gordon has an excellent comment in the beginning here. It is because we are disingenuous with our children (and I am prepared for some criticism here because everyone seems to want to believe that they are near perfect parents, and only lie to their kids when necessary… absolute bunk) that they grow up not trusting us and distant. When there is no trust, the only place that they can learn things is from TV or from a peer circle, both of which can be seriously incorrect and messed up.
I believe that she covers this pointing out that parents and mentors, especially those of the religious inclination (sorry if this is incorrect in your religion, but I grew up in a Christian household) tend to use scare tactics and abstinence policies that are unrealistic. And whereas Church is supposed to be a place to guide and support someone, especially one dealing with the harsh realities of puberty, they are not. They tend to provide unrealistic and unhelpful advice, and force the kids to discover on their own what they think is ok and not… which can lead to problems. She is right though when she states that we need to get our heads out of scandals and day time TV and into our kids lives, so that they have a viable support system. This is something I think Church should adapt to, it is no longer the 17 century where there are no preventative measures, we have the means, we just need to provide the information.

On this, though:

"Why do we spend so much time and energy, and pay so much lip service, to a few "sex scandals," in place of attending the needs of our youth?"

Maybe in part, because getting very indignant about people breaking the rules is a great way to try and convince yourself the rules are the game?

Or, well, let's face it. This whole debate this week, from certain people's eyes, is trying to sling 'taint of scandal' on Hillary, who was the aggreived party in their own witch-hunt.

It's a good distraction from the 'scandals' of the lawmakers who keep elected based on the homophobia they stir, while using dispossessed gay people for their so-convenient jollies.'

In the words attributed to Senator Craig to a gay sexworker: "Shut up, I could own you twenty times over."

This is more than a scandal, it's... A smoking gun *about* the people who will vote for those who 'scandalize' them.

Not about who's selling, though that's bad enough,
But who's buying? And buying what?

Wacky idea, here, but maybe some churches and people and others could stop being afraid to look at sex, (never mind *gasp* talk about it)

...stop trying to proscribe as a 'sin' every single little mechanical action that might possibly be involved, without the appropriate ritual, of course....

And start talking about what sex *is?*

Wouldn't that be interesting.

What if sex wasn't a list of 'do not's' to try and build a life around?

What if it was *something?*

Something to be respected and honored and cared for, not a horrible thing everyone is taught to want with uncontrollable desperation?

Oh, I dunno. Sacred or something. Sacred in all forms, none of which are to be abused or rationalized.

Just sex... no more, no less, no excuses, no prohibitions, no lies, no inhibitions, just... Sex.

The reality of it.

It's more than certain types give 'it' credit for.

First we all know bads news is good news for news papers.Second there are alot of miserable people out there and we all know misery loves company. Third we are force fed lies and deceit from the people we are suppose to rely on and trust then we finally figure out they are full of bs we go ahead and elect the same thing but in a different rapper, what is the differance between dems and repubs, who has the better lies, wake up we need to fix a corrupt system, that was leading to this, Also this goes for the churches too. I recall Yeshua (Jesus) not giving us any more laws except two there is ONE GOD,and Love HIM and Love Your neighbor as yourself. If you go back to the orginal meanig of marriage from the ancient text, marriage is when two people come together in sex not wedd lock we have turned marriage into business when actually it is only the two's business. We need to stop tryng to control everything when in fact we control nothing, and need to start fixing the wrong's and making them right, and yes the first step is today's parent's have to do just that be parents. Not firends buddies and partying with them, it's the parents turn once agian to grow up and let the children be children again. God Bless and Peace Always.Matthew
www.PathofYeshua.net

Ms Freitas' rhetorical opposing of a public obsession with sex scandals of leaders with public absence of good sexual advice to young people is flawed. Sex scandals among political leaders and religious leaders expose these individuals as hypocrites and the public loves the ensuing story line of how the mighty are fallen. The absence of good sexual advice to young people represents the failure of our societal norms to introduce this adult behavior well. We are afraid of sex education and our more educated classes conspire to keep our young in a massively extended childhood that goes long past sexual maturity. Thus the trap is set and we leave our young people to suffer the errors of their elders'ways.

I think g-d must be spelled as such. It is blasphemy to write it otherwise.

Ridiculous!

Tom the Proud American
is
Proud of his American Ignorance and Supremicist Illusions.

In most of the highly developed countries of Europe, like HOlland and Germany and Sweden, they have a much lower abortion rate

and a Stupendously lower STD rate

than the highly developed Christian Nation USA.

US gonorrhea rate is 70 times higher than Holland!!!!

Honest and mature information sharing with children about sexuality seems much more effective than moralizing lying and preaching abstinence only.

Sorry to confuse you with the facts.

Our panelist writes: "What are we so afraid of when it comes to youth, religion, and sex, so much so that we are ready and willing to leave them high and dry when it comes to navigating the difficult waters of dating and adolescence?"

I can only guess, but I'll put my money on the fact that Christianity has been beating the idea that human sexuality is shameful into the heads of adherents for a really long time. To the detriment of us all, the adherents actually seem to believe it.

Hopefully the young people leading their own conversations have the good sense to avoid this mistake that their mentors have made.

As a young Christian female, I think Ms Freitas has put forth a thoughtful article. Unfortunately, in many Christian circles sex is either taboo or taught as some secret reward to recieve upon marriage. I agree with Gordon's caution that lying to young adults or teenagers about the reasons to not have sex before marriage; it will not be enjoyable, etc. is not only silly, but ungodly. Parents and youth group leaders would do well to teach youth about sex more holistically. LAVDAD2 seems to indicate that Christianity is somehow anti-sex. This could not be further from the truth (and not because it is merely valued for procreation's sake). Rob Bell's "Sex God" does a wonderful job addressing human sexuality in this way.

The church needs to create space for single people to express their sexuality while also teaching that marriage remains the relationship in which consummation of sexuality is achieved and WHY. Because for Christians, marriage is symbolic of the union of Christ and the church. This is the reason sex is sacred. Teaching no pre-marital sex as a moral without this overarching doctrine is ultimately useless in a Christian context.

Even outside of the confines of religion(s), there is a moral obligation to practice sexual activities safely. This obligation is brushed aside within the confines of the Religious Right's (RR) advocacy of abstinence-only sex education. Furthermore, young adults have an obligation to themselves (and, some would argue, society) by not getting pregnant at such an early stage in their life. By not equipping our young adults with the knowledge and power when, God forbid (sarcasm), they do decide to take that leap into sexual activity, we have ultimately doomed them to the greater potential of either teenage/early pregnancy or STD's. Perhaps it is in the view of the RR that those are due punishments for going against religious teachings?

The person who said that Ms Freitas should not be taken seriously because of the reference to Wendy Shalit should learn to read. Those were books her STUDENTS were reading.

I think Ms. Freitas has an unusually good essay here. I, too, am a college teacher, and I know that whatever we are doing is not working. Perhaps Wedny Shalit is the way she was described, but the fact is that many young women bear the brunt of a sexualized society that places little value on women or being a woman.

A college girl, and that is how she sees herself is taught that sex is not only completely undangerous emotionally and physically, but that it is her duty to be sexual. Only not TOO sexual.

As for the self-described atheist and his unshakable belief in condoms, you are woefully mistaken about young people and education. I do not know if the have the internet where you live, but sexually contracted diseases are at an all time high. It is, however, good to believe in something, so if condoms and education make you feel better, just like spelling God with a lower case g, then huzzah! But don't think there is not a problem.

Many college women use birth control fitfully and sporadically. They get drunk; they hook up, often describing the experience themselves as "deficient" in terms of orgasm or intimacy, and they hope for the best.

BTW: What is it about Buddhism that makes braggarts of people?

Ms. Freitas speaks of religion as if all were the same. That is not the case. Not all religions take such a dim view of sex.

My religion has a very comprehensive sex-ed curriculum that acknowledges that all humans are sexual beings to some extent. Our curriculum provides our children and youth with age appropriate information.

We attempt to provide the youth with the tools necessary to make life-affirming decisions regarding their sexuality. We teach abstinence as an option but also teach what to do if they choose not to be abstinent.

Patrick,
Haven't you read Willis Elliott's contributions? The priests are pedophiles because they came under the influence of the hippies (which caused their genitals to loosen). Apparently it has nothing to do with Catholicism.

Relegating discussions of sex to faith and religion is not necessary or essential.

Families can teach their children how to act morally, without religious necessity.

Thinking that morality comes from faith in Chriatian beliefs is limiting in understanding people and morality.

Many people from various parts of the world do not embrace Christianity and yet manage to live descent, moral, lives, based on their personal convictions of morality and understanding of humanity, and life.

To think that religion has a positive influence on morals is not being very open. Examples aboundas noted below.

The Cathoilic Church and pedaphoilia are consistently observed together. How can anyone look at religious leaders; Pope, etc.; and acknolwedge their moral understanding superior to anyone else's, especially those that respect children, and do not protect child predetors.

Morality and sex are best left to be taught at home by caring parents and leave the religion out of the discussion.

My opinion and experience of raising four children; three daughters no out of wedlock children or other immoral activites considered by our modern society.

I practicew Nichiren Buddhism that respect all people equally, men and women, as well as children. All equal in the eyes of Buddhist teachings; The Lotus Sutra; that teaches even women have the equal ability to achieve enlightenment, as does all life, people, animals, plants, etc, ALl life equal

Patrick

By recommending anything written by Wendy Shalit, you make it clear that your essay is simply not serious. Shalit is just a right wing moralizer who wouldn't know a fact if it kicked her in the face. Her nonsense provides nothing useful to anyone.

First of all, full disclosure: I am a lifelong atheist, and I have never believed, and will not ever believe, that sex prior to marriage is immoral. Nevertheless, I concede that, if other people wish to believe that sex before marriage is wrong because it offends god, that is their business and not mine.

That said, I have one piece of advice for adults who are trying to promote teenage sexual abstinence. Most of these young people are not stupid, and if you want them to take you seriously, you are going to have to stop lying to them.

If you think premarital sexual activity offends god, then tell them that. Do not tell them that condoms don't prevent pregnancy and STDs, when they clearly do; do not tell them that masturbation compromises their ability to have interpersonal intimacy later in life, when it clearly doesn't; do not tell them that their future spouses will never be able to truly love them unless they are virgin on their wedding day, when anyone who knows the first thing about marriage statistics knows that is not the case. And so on, ad nauseam. They will find you out, especially in this age of the internet, and when they do, they will wonder what else you are lying to them about.

Everyone is entitled to opinions. If you think your opinion about god and premarital sex is right, you are certainly entitled to try to convince others. However, you will have a much better chance of success if the people you are trying to convince have not caught you presenting lies as facts.